Quickies part 2

[Phil Perry]

Could be a bad case of zipper rash there. Rule one to 100. Long Jokes MUST be REALLY funny Phil. or you infringe the effort/ reward relationship limit. Nev

I Know. . I Know Nev,. . . .I continually stress this point to those whose work I continually borrow. . . .***EDIT*** 'Shamelessly Plagiarise' ( It's terrible having to correct the splelink errors too )

 

 

[facthunter]

I apologise for that Phil but I have this mate who tells the world's longest jokes that just aren't worth the investment in time and I try to look quizzically at everybody and say Is that IT? at the end.? . I like spoiling jokes. Some people have sex with clothes on? That's funny too. Nev

 

 

[PA.]

Some people have sex with clothes on? That's funny too. Nev

Everyone else on the bus appreciates you keeping your clothes on.

[red750]

A few more for Phil. You may have seen some of them before.

 

. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

 

. How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it

 

. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

 

. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

 

. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

 

. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic It's syncing now.

 

. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

 

. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

 

. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

 

. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

 

. When chemists die, they barium.

 

. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

 

. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

 

. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

 

. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

 

. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble

 

. Broken pencils are pointless.

 

. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

 

. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

 

. Velcro - what a rip off!

 

. Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

 

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

 

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

 

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

 

Not much was heard from the synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

 

What about the squirrel infestation at the Mosque you ask. . . .. ? You'll find out next time you order chicken Jalfrezi. . .

 

 

[red750]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.

 

After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

 

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

 

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

 

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

 

"What the hell is the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

 

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

 

[old man emu]

A bloke goes down to the Centrelink office to see about getting off the dole.

 

The staffer says, "Construction has just started on the Western Sydney Airport. They need a heap of laborers to build roads and infrastructure."

 

The bloke says, "Nah. I don't want to go there."

 

The staffer says, "Why not? There's years of work there, and better money than the dole."

 

The bloke says, " Sure the money would be great, but it would drive me made having to stand around all day doing nothing like those blokes building the roads do."

 

 

[red750]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at Pizza Hut in Cornwall for lunch.

 

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip to Toronto

 

On leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

 

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

 

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

 

He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

 

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.

 

He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

 

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

 

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card".

 

 

[Phil Perry]

My missus accused me of being a transvestite this evening ! !.

 

I was so angry I packed all her clothes and left.

 

 

[red750]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over ten years .

 

Upon her return , her father yelled at her , "Where have ye been all this time ? Why did ye not write to us ? Not even a line . Why didn't ye call ? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru ?"

 

The girl , crying , replied , Sniff , sniff...."Dad..... I was too embarrassed , I became a prostitute ."

 

"Ye what !!? Get out of here , ye shameless hussy ! Sinner ! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family , so yer are ."

 

"OK , Daddy ... as ye wish ..." "I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat , a title deed to an eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque. For me little brother Seamus , this gold Rolex . And for ye Daddy , the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside , plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club .

 

She takes a breath and continues , "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean ."

 

"Now what was it ye said ye had become ?" says Daddy.

 

Girl , crying again , Sniff , sniff .... "A prostitute Daddy !" Sniff , sniff .

 

"Oh ! Be Jesus ! Ye scared me half to death girl ! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT . Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."

 

 

[Phil Perry]

Woman customer at pharmacy : Does Viagra work?

 

Pharmacist: Yes

 

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

 

Pharmacist: Only if I take two. .

 

 

[old man emu]

Phil, you are recycling!!!

 

 

[Phil Perry]

Phil, you are recycling!!!

I steal so many funnnnnnnnies,. . that I forget were they're all from. . . .

 

 

[PA.]

I steal so many funnnnnnnnies,. . that I forget were they're all from. . . .

where

 

 

[old man emu]

A fool and his funny are soon parted.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

Imagine the scene--a run down slum estate in the old East End of London.

 

A bunch of filthy urchins, snot on their faces, old pullovers with holes and scuffed-up Clarkes sandals are sitting on the kerb playing in the gutter--suddenly a chauffeur-driven Rolls pulls up and a fabulous blonde emerges--full-length mink coat, Laboutin shoes, radiating glamour--she spies one of the urchins, rushes forward and plants him with kisses. She claps her hands and the chauffeur removes several gift-wrapped parcels from the boot of the Rolls and sets them down on the kerb.

 

The blonde thrusts a big wedge of cash into the kid's hands and then, like a flash she is back in the Roller and they have gone. The other urchins have eyes like saucers and one says "Bleedin' 'ell, Fred. Who the 'eck, was that, a Princess or summink?

 

A film star?"

 

"Nah" says Fred" That's just me big sister wot went up the West End and got 'erself ruined".

 

 

[red750]

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[Phil Perry]

The police need to investigate all crime no matter how big or small.

 

Did you hear about the guy who pretended he was going to steal a jumper from a clothes shop?

 

Rubbish. . . .He was just trying it on.

 

 

[Phil Perry]

I fell in some stinging nettles last week and have been feeling down ever since. I think it might be post-nettle depression.

 

 

[red750]

[David2ayo]

At a local bar in Tamworth

 

The owner & bartender, was so sure that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a standing $1000 bet.

 

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to a patron.

 

Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the money.

 

Many people had tried, over the years:

 

weightlifters, longshoremen, football players etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.

 

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.

 

He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, & started looking around the bar.

 

After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a meek voice:

 

"I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."

 

After the laughter in the pub had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it.....

 

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.

 

The Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....

 

as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....

 

and six drops fell into the glass.

 

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked little man:

 

"Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living?

 

Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

 

The little fellow quietly replied: "no, I work for the Australian Tax Office".

 

 

[Phil Perry]

Wife: Where are you going?

 

Husband: Um, there’s no easy way to say this.

 

Wife ( very worried ) : What do you mean?

 

Husband: Well, I’m going to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch to meet Frank.

 

Won't be late Darls. . .

 

 

[old man emu]

I'll just take a trip up to Abergavenny.

 

 

[red750]

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's

 

to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs

 

of me wife !"

 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best

 

toast of the night !

 

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the

 

prize for the Best toast of The night."

 

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

 

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me

 

life, sitting in church beside me wife."

 

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking

 

buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled

 

leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other

 

night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

 

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit

 

surprised myself. You know, he's only been in

 

there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by

 

the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell

 

asleep".

 

 

[Yenn]

Much more to do at Abergavenny. The biggest thing at the other place is the sign on the railway station.