Quickies part 2

[old man emu]

Scientists have proved that a pigeon's "Coo" does not echo from a wall. 

 

The reason is acoustics.

[red750]

Judy married Ted and they had 13 children. Ted died.
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.
Judy remarried again, and this time, she and John had 5 more children, Judy finally dies, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said:
“Lord, they are finally together.”
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend,
“Margaret, do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?”
Margaret replied:
“I think he means her legs, Ethel.”

[old man emu]

I am migrating to a Part 61 licence, so I went to a flying school run by blokes I have know for years. The one I was talking to gave me the form and explained what documents I have to submit. Then I heard one of the other witty blokes I know yell out from the back of the hangar.

 

I'm not sure if he said, "Get the mugshot", or Get the mug shot".

[facthunter]

There used to be a common reply to "Where's so and so"? Oh He went Mad and we shot him and you know what? Yes You're MAD and I'm NOT. .. Nev

[old man emu]

George missed that one. He's gone for a Tosca.

[red750]

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbour’s dog whilst the neighbours went on their holidays:
The only problem was that the spinster’s own dog was a b!tch that was on ‘heat’ and the neighbour’s dog was a male.
Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.
As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs.
She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating.
The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.
Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as to what to do next.
Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings, a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.
The spinster explained the problem.
The vet said.
“I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the b!tch.”
“Oh.” Said the spinster.
“Do you think that will work?”
“Well.” The vet replied
“IT JUST WORKED FOR ME!"

[red750]

Little johnny Accidentally Finds Her Mother Having An Affair.
Then His Father Calls.
“Hello?”, “Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says,
“But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Brief Pause.
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little johnny comes back to the phone.
“I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”
**Long Pause**
Then Daddy says,
“Swimming pool? We dont have a swimming pool!…. Is this 486-5731?”

[red750]

A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulls out a large syringe to give him an anaesthesia shot.
“No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaims
So she starts to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man says, “I can’t do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!”
The dentist then asks the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
“No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills.” So the lady dentist gives him two little blue pills and he swallows them. “What are those?” he asks.
“Viagra,” she calmly replies.
“I’ll be damned,” said the man, “I didn’t know Viagra works as a pain killer.”
“It doesn’t,” says the wise lady,
“But it’ll give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”

[red750]

An elderly man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says,
“This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry…. we can’t hire you.”
“But wait,” the elderly man says.
“If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!”
“Really? Great! Show me now!”
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of c0ndoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.
He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
“Well,” said the interviewer,
“that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!”
“Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!”
“Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?”
“Oh, that,” he sighed.
“Have you ever walked into a chemist, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

[red750]

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”
She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”
Guess where I am now.

[facthunter]

IF you eat a lot of   Fried Chicken, I hate to think. Nev

[red750]

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe:
He spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science, mathematics, and formatting Reddit comments so they get the most upvotes.
One day, the Chief’s wife gives birth to a white child!
The word spreads, and the entire tribe is in shock.
The chief pulls the professor aside and says.
“Look, you’re the only white man we’ve ever seen around here, and this woman just gave birth to a white child. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened!”
The professor replied.
“No, Chief. You’re mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”
The chief was silent for a moment, then said.
“Tell you what. You don’t say anything more about that sheep and I won’t say anything more about that white child.”

[red750]

A wealthy old man was lying on his deathbed, when it occurred to him he had never made a will,
so he called his lawyer to help him make his will.
The following day his lawyer came, and the wealthy man said,
“I want 25% of my money to go to charity. After all, I’ve taken, I should give something back.”
“How generous of you,” the lawyer responded.
“I’ll make sure it happens right away.”
“I also want 25% of it to go to my son. He’s been counting the days till he could get my money,” the old man said.
“Okay, I’ll make sure he receives 25% of it,” the lawyer replied.
“I want the rest to go to my wife, on condition that she remarries after I die,” the old man said.
“Okay, I’ll ensure that that happens, but may I ask why you want her to remarry? It’s a quite obscure request,” the lawyer asked.
“I want to make sure at least one man regrets my death,” the old man said…

[old man emu]

Pranks and japes are part of the life in a cricket team's dressing rooms. One prankster sprinkles itch powder into a couple of the batsmen's boxes.

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He got a six month suspension for tampering with the balls.

 

 

 

[red750]

An old man is alone in an airport lounge.
A beautiful uniformed woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides that, because she’s wearing a uniform, she’s probably an off-duty flight attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
‘To Fly. To Serve’?
The woman looks at him blankly
He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto
‘Winning the hearts of the world’?
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto
‘Going beyond expectations’?
The woman looks at him sternly and says
‘What the f*ck do you want?’
‘Aha!’
The old man says,
“Qantas!”.

[red750]

This Couple Has One Of The Strangest Wedding Nights Ever.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one.
All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Roger, Again he is ready for more ‘action’.
Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action’.
And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.
You are truly a great lover, Roger.’
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:
‘You mean I was here already?’

[Marty_d]

13 hours ago, red750 said:

"A beautiful uniformed woman" 
“Qantas!”.

Sorry - I couldn't suspend my disbelief there...

[Jerry_Atrick]

Actually, I thought there were a couplie of female flight attendants on the last Qantas flight who were not too shabby at all.. But I am getting old and my standards are undoubtedly slipping.

[old man emu]

As you get older, the hosties get younger

[facthunter]

The Policemen do  too.  Pimpley and all.. Nev

[red750]

Mr. and Mrs. Jones were an average middle-aged couple who got along well enough as long as Mr. Jones didn’t put his foot in his mouth:
One day, she was running late for the weekly bridge game with her friends she was hosting, and just before she got into the shower,
She gave her husband strict instructions to just let the ladies in without talking to them “too much”…
When she finished having her shower and was finally done,
She came downstairs all dressed up for the little party, but no one was there except her husband.
Mr Jones looked somewhat bewildered and he began to explain immediately:
“Mrs. Smith said she had been having trouble with mice in her house, and Mrs. Brown said that she just stuffed steel wool in their little holes,”
“So I asked her who held their little legs apart.”

[red750]

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary.
They walk down the street to their old school.
There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they’d shared and where he had carved:
“I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet.
She quickly picks it up, but they don’t know what to do with it so they take it home.
There, she counts the money, and it’s fifty-thousand dollars.
The husband says:
“We’ve got to give it back.”
She says:
“Finders keepers.”
And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home.
They say:
Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
She says:
“NO.”
The husband says:
“She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
She says:
“Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him.
One says:
“Tell us the story from the beginning.”
The old man says:
“Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…”
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says:
“Let’s get out of here.”

[red750]

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said,
“Just a minute I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying,
“That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it. “Peter said,
“I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”
The teacher fainted……

[red750]

Sign in a French church -

 

It is possible that on entering this church, you may hear the Call of God.

On the other hand, it is not likely that he will contact you by phone. 

Thank you for turning off your phone.

If you would like to talk to God, come in, choose a quiet place and talk to him. 

If you would like to see him, send him a text while driving.

[red750]

Did you hear that the price of duck feathers has risen?
So now even down is up.