Quickies part 2

[facthunter]

It's a soft touch. Eider you accept it or stay cool..  Nev

[old man emu]

It's all the fault of Vlad the Muscovy-ite. 

[red750]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says,’ I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.’
The driver says,
‘Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ‘
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
‘Now don’t be silly, dear — you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?’
The wife smiles demurely and says,
‘Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.’
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
‘Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’
The officer frowns and says,
‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’
The driver says,
‘Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’
The wife says,
‘Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
‘WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??’
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
‘Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?’
(I love this part)
‘Only when he’s been drinking.!!’

[red750]

An Old Farmer Was Farming And Minding His Own Business.
“There has been a wild Forest Man seen in the forest. He has little beady red eyes, and hair all over. Be careful, he might be dangerous”
The old farmer shrugged and continued with his farm.
About an hour later, the farmer spotted a very hairy man, with little beady red eyes hiding behind a bush at the edge of the forest.
At first, the farmer was worried for his life but noticed how this forest man did not move, but just stared at the farmer.
The farmer thought maybe this forest man is not dangerous, maybe he could make friends with him.
The farmer cautiously approached the forest man (who was still hiding behind the bush), pointed at his farm and said “farm”, he points at himself and said “farmer” then pointed at his hoe and said “farming”.
The forest man did not move.
The old farmer got a little closer to him, and again, pointed at his farm and said “farm”, pointed at himself and said “farmer”, then pointed at his hoe and said “farming”.
The forest man remained behind his bush.
The old farmer, feeling bold, got even closer and repeated with his actions “farm”, “farmer”, “farming”.
This time the forest man got up and pointed at the forest behind him and said “forest”, he pointed at himself and said “forest man”, he pointed at the bush and said
“Taking a sh!t”.

[facthunter]

Think I'd rather have one than TAKE one. Nev

[Jerry_Atrick]

Isn't having something the result of taking it? 😉

[old man emu]

9 hours ago, Jerry_Atrick said:

Isn't having something the result of taking it? 😉

Clearly an example of differences between one side of The Pond and the other in the words used. The speakers of correct English have a shit, while the independently minded Sons of the Revolution take one. And the rest of us don't give a ....

[facthunter]

IF you don't give a $#!T you'll end up full of it. Things work out better that way.   Nev

[Jerry_Atrick]

They weren't corrugations - they were vortex generators!

[old man emu]

6 hours ago, Jerry_Atrick said:

They weren't corrugations - they were vortex generators!

Makes you wonder about the effects of the corrugated wing  skins of Junkers aircraft. 

The Ford Trimotor's corrugated skin gave additional strength, but also increased drag, os I suppose the same applied to the Junkers.

[red750]

A couple got married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.
“I’ll be home when I want if I want, and at what time I want,” he said.
“And, I don’t expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules,” he said.
“Any comments?”
His new bride replied,
“No, that’s fine with me. But, just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re home or not.”

[red750]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.
They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Suzie led off:
“I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly:
“My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success?
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Little Vicky was next:
“I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
“Very good, Vicky,” said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Joey’s turn.
The teacher held her breath.
Little Joey walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk.
“$2,467,” he said.
“$2,467!” cried the teacher:
“What in the world were you selling”
“Toothbrushes,” said Little Joey.
“Toothbrushes,” echoed the teacher:
“How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Joey:
“I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”
They all said the same thing:
“Hey, this tastes like dog crap!”
Then I would say:
“It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?
I used the governmental approach of giving them crap for free, and then making them pay to get the bad taste out of their mouth.”

[red750]

We're hosting a charity concert for people who have difficulty achieving orgasm.

 

If you can't come, let me know.

[red750]

I was just watching The Last Leg with Adam Hills. He showed a video of the worst driving test ever.

 

The girl was sitting at the wheel, with the examiner beside her. She looks over her shoulder, then at the outside mirror, then the inside morror. She turns on the indicator, puts the gears into 1st, releases the handbrake, but nothing happens. She puts on the handbrake, puts the car in neutral and starts over. Same result. She goes through the whole procedure a third time, but still not moving.

 

Then the examiner says, "You haven't started the engine.'

[old man emu]

At last! A safe female driver. 

[red750]

While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
~ Henny Youngman

[red750]

A science teacher asked her students “Children, if you could own one mineral what would it be?
one boy said, “I would choose gold. Its worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette.”
Another boy said ” I would want platinum because its worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.”
the teacher said, “Johnny, What would you want?
Johnny said “I would want silicone.”
“Why would you want silicone?” Asked the teacher
“Well my mom got some, he replied. And there’s always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway

[red750]

An elderly man driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden nature calls.
He sees a little bar up the way and he pulls into the parking lot.
When he gets inside, he finds the place is packed!
The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks, ladies are dancing on the tables and there’s hardly standing room anywhere.
The old man scans the place a couple of times to find the restrooms but to no avail.
Finally, he spots a small stairway and scrambles up.
When he gets to the top, he discovers that all the doors are locked.
All but one.
When he opens the door, all he sees is a big hole in the floor.
Desperate, he drops his pants and dumps the biggest load he’s ever had right there in the hole.
Relieved, he calmly walks down the stairs.
The once crowded barroom is completely empty, not a soul was in sight.
Slowly, a bartender rises from behind the bar.
“What happened!?!” says the old man.
The bartender responds
“Where were you when the sh!t hit the fan?!”

[red750]

A newly married couple was walking through a garden, and suddenly a dog ran towards them.
They both knew it will bite them.
The husband lifted his wife and let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart.
The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little while and ran away.
The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her.
But his wife shouted
“I have seen people throwing stones and sticks at dogs, this is the first time I am seeing someone trying to throw his wife at a dog”!!
Moral of the story: A Wife is a Wife
No One ELSE Can MIS-UNDERSTAND a Husband Better, than a Wife.

[red750]

You're gunna hate me for this. Sorry this guy has my email address.

 

POTATOES

Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato which they called 'Yam'.

 

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.

 

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

 

But on the other hand, she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

 

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

 

They sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University). So that when she graduated, she'd really be "in the Chips".

 

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Richie Benaud.

"Richie Benaud!!!!", they cried.

They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possibly marry

Richie Benaud because he's just ........

Are you ready for this? Are you sure?
* 
OK! You asked for it: Here it is!
*
* 

*

*

*

*
... just a COMMONTATER!"

[facthunter]

IF I can guess it , I guess most people could..   Nev

[old man emu]

 So that when she graduated, she'd really be "in the Chips".

[red750]

The Last Leg again tonight. They were discussing sex toys ordered online for Christmas and the delivery problems. "too big to fit in the letterbox", "imagine it being delivered to your neighbour", etc.

 

Josh Widdicombe said, "I know someone who will deliver it for you on Christmas Eve".

 

Adam Hills says, "Who?"  Josh replies, "Father Clitoris".

[red750]

Elsa, a 97-year-old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life.
When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was standing there waiting for her.
He said, “Welcome, Elsa. Do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?”
“I do,” Elsa replied.
“I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.”
St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while.
She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby.
While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever.
The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe.
“How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” the midwife asked him.
“Oh no, I’m feeling great,” the husband replied.
“But I think we have to call for an ambulance. Our neighbor John is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off!”

[red750]