Quickies part 2

[red750]

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery but, prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose, as the gentleman had a rare type, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. He willingly donated his blood for the Sheik. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, in appreciation for his giving his blood to help save his life, a new BMW, a 5-carat diamond and $50,000 dollars.

A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his contribution as he had before. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you might give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of cheap chocolates.

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I've Scottish blood in me veins now.”

[red750]

[red750]

Two blondes in a car park trying to unlock their car with a coathanger.

 

First blonde:  "I can't get it undone."

 

Second blonde: "Well, you'd better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down."

[facthunter]

My  wife's a Blonde and smarter than me. Just ask her, and what's more she  knows what I'm going to say or do  before I even  start thinking of saying or doing anything..    She's the best I'm likely to get according to all the experts who offer unsolicited  and ill informed opinions on the matter.  Nev

[red750]

An old man thinks he is going to lose his driving license and all just because of a stupid police officer.
The conversation went like this when the old man got pulled over in his car:
Officer: “Can I see your driving license please, I think you are drunk!”

Old man: “I assure you, I do not drink alcohol.”

Officer: “Ok, let’s do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a motorway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?”

Old Man: “A car.”

Officer: “Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?”

Old Man: “I have no idea!”

Officer: “So, you’re drunk.”

Old Man: “But I don’t drink alcohol.”

Officer: “Okay, one more test — Imagine, you drive in the dark on a motorway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?

Old Man: “A motorcycle.”

Officer: “Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Yamaha?”

Old man: “I have no idea!”

Officer: “As I suspected, you’re drunk!”

Then the old man started to get annoyed and asked him a counter-question;
Old Man: “So…, counter-question. You’re driving in the dark on a motorway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?”

Officer: “A prost!tute of course.”

Old man: “Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?”

Things went downhill from there and now the old man have a court date to attend…

[red750]

An Infantry Major was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Major decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Captain chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Lieutenant said it was 50-50%.
A 2nd Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Major turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee.

What was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Major was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.

[red750]

Saw a brief clip on TV where Brian Johnson (AC/DC) and Joe Walsh (The Eagles) were discussing using aliases when they travel to avoid attracting crowds. Joe said one of his aliases was Frank Sumatra.

[old man emu]

Oh the problems of today's young people. My grandson has been diagnosed with an eating disorder.

 

He always starts with the fruit and cheese platter, then moves to dessert, main and finishes off with the entree. Talk about disordered!

[facthunter]

Is It likely to be fatal.? At least he's eating better than chicken nuggets and soft drink.  Nev

[old man emu]

My resolution made on New Year's Eve is to steadfastly stick to a system of food intake and exercise that will result in my being a lesser man by the autumn.

 

I have researched the required foodstuffs to promote this resolution. The common advice is to replace sugary stuff with whole fruit.

 

Christmas pudding has lots of fruit.

[facthunter]

If you are living on the fruits of Love don't throw the skins out of the window 'cause they choke the dogs.  Nev

[Jerry_Atrick]

@OME, my like of the eating disorders is the wit,, Please tell me your grandson doesn't actually neeeed to eeat his courses of dfood in reverse order.. (of course, like me, hee may want  to).

Edited January 1, 2023 by Jerry_Atrick

[nomadpete]

Oh dear, I never thought I was out of order.

I eat dessert first because it gives me the energy to digest the main course. Is that coarse?

[facthunter]

Eat the BEST stuff first makes sense. I try to sit next to people who don't like crab or oysters  and help them out.   I'm like that. Nev

[red750]

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe.

[facthunter]

Gravity Deprivation Syndrome and you shouldn't make light of it.  Nev

[old man emu]

5 hours ago, Jerry_Atrick said:

@OME, my like of the eating disorders is the wit,, Please tell me your grandson doesn't actually neeeed to eeat his courses of dfood in reverse order.. (of course, like me, hee may want  to).

It's a joke, Joyce.

[red750]

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says,
“Mom, what are those things on your chest!?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn’t forget.
The following morning he asked his father the same question.
His father, always quick with the answers, says,
“Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnnys’ dad comes home from work a few hours early.
Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically,
“Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!!”
His father says,
“Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”
“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys’ balloons and she’s screaming,
“Oh God, I’m coming!”

[onetrack]

A doctor, a dentist and a lawyer were in a boat together, when a big wave hit them, and washed them all overboard.

 

Unable to get back into the boat, they decided two would hold on to the boat, and the third would swim to shore for help.

 

They also noticed that there were hundreds of sharks between them and the land.

 

Without a word, the lawyer took off! As he swam towards the land, the sharks moved aside.

 

The dentist yelled: “We're watching a miracle!”

 

“No”, said the doctor, “We're watching professional courtesy!”

[Old Koreelah]

[onetrack]

[red750]

I asked Siri, "What do women want?" She hasn't stopped talking for seven days.

[facthunter]

You wouldn't qualify as a sex maniac if you had it 15 times in 17 years.  Nev

[facthunter]

Recent experience in Aviation is usually 35 days.  Nev

[onetrack]

Warning - You should be very thankful, that you don't have a family like this!

 

This is a reminder that not all children grow up in fortunate circumstances.

This family are totally dysfunctional, and this is their story, as related to me.........

 

"When I was a child, my father cheated on my mother, and didn't love her. Later on, my parents divorced.

My mother died in a car accident, and my brother and I had to live in my Grandma's old house.

Grandma’s sister was an alcoholic.

The whole family lived off my Grandma's savings.

However, Grandma just died recently. 

My Uncle Andy is barely keeping himself out of jail, from day to day.

My brother left home, and he won’t talk to us anymore.

Dad, now 73, had to go to work to support the family - and eventually, he's going to want me to do the same thing.

 

Yours sincerely,

Prince William"....