Quickies part 2

[willedoo]

2 hours ago, red750 said:

Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up.

A thoughty instead of a naughty.

[old man emu]

9 hours ago, willedoo said:

A thoughty instead of a naughty.

That's the terror of getting dementia.

[red750]

Thoughties are all I have left. Removal of my prostate with my bladder due to cancer has destroyed the nerves which enable an erection. It would be like trying to play pool with a piece of rope.

 

You have to laugh about it or you would go nuts - or get depression.

[spacesailor]

TRIED !,

STARCH

'' You have to laugh about it '' .LoL

POPSICLE STICKS !.

my Blue pill jokes Are banned, BY THE WIFE.

spacesailor

[red750]

When the mole retreats into its burrow and refuses to be coaxed out...

 

Hung like a raisin.

[old man emu]

I got an email from a ham radio operator who had done the wrong thing by me. The email had no letters. It was all in dots and dashes. I finally deciphered it and discovered it was an apology. 

 

 

He sent it in remorse code.

[Old Koreelah]

Skip the ads to see this gem:

 

[Jerry_Atrick]

Just takes me to the main yootoob page

 

 

[red750]

A minister comes to an eighty-one-year-old woman’s house to give her communion every week.
On the first week, the first thing he noticed was the beautifully polished oak organ in the woman’s living room.
Well, on the third time he came, he noticed a fishbowl on the organ, but there was no fish and there was no water.
He thought it a little odd, but let it go.
The fourth time he came.
The fishbowl was filled with water, but still no fish.
On the fifth occasion, there was a condom floating in the bowl!
The minister decided he just couldn’t let it go any so he asked,
“Edna, I’m sorry, but what’s with the condom and the fish bowl?”
she replied, “oh, I found that at the store”.
The package said
‘Place on organ and lubricate well and it will protect against diseases’.

[red750]

The  Drover at the Pearly Gates

Andrew, the drover from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback, appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter asks him, "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" 

 

"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.

 

"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales , I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila.  I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

 

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya!"

 

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
 

"A couple of minutes ago." 

[red750]

[red750]

Always wear underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the local paper comes this story of a Brisbane couple who drove their car to ALDI, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

 

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

 

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward and quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

 

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

 

The R.A.C.Q. mechanic however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[red750]

Husband making speech: "We've been happily married for 25 years."

 

Wife interrupting: "No. We've been married for 40 years."

 

Husband: "I said happily".

[facthunter]

You have to be HAPPY "though" Married. Nev

[red750]

Next time you see someone wearing camouflage gear, bump into them and say,

 

"Oops - didn't see you. Great camo gear".

[facthunter]

I wonder what people who camouflage their Planes are thinking?  Nev

[pmccarthy]

1 hour ago, facthunter said:

I wonder what people who camouflage their Planes are thinking?  Nev

Especially when the emergency beacon has a flat battery.

[red750]

HR recruiter: Forget what you learnt at Uni, that won't help you here.

 

Applicant:  I never went to Uni.

 

Recruiter: You're not qualified for the job.

[facthunter]

BIG on theory. Small on Practical Nous. Sometimes true, but I loved Uni. (Part time evenings after work.) None of the Social  CAMPUS stuff.

[Jerry_Atrick]

A new butcher has started up a couple of villages away. He advertised in our village's monthly newsletter, with this slogan: "Pleased to meet you with meat to please you"..

[old man emu]

Where would advertisers be without homonyms? 

[facthunter]

 Would they be Fadvertisers  with a partner Miss  Represent.  Nev

[Old Koreelah]

My wife found this truism:

 

[facthunter]

Yes there's some chemical in wedding cake that kills their Libido. It is said.  Nev

[facthunter]

Don't worry It doesn't work on Bridesmaids.  Nev