Quickies part 2

[Old Koreelah]

[Old Koreelah]

An Englishman, Welshman and Scotsman were captured during the war and were sentenced to be shot as spies. When asked if they had any last requests the Welshman asked to hear a recording of a Welsh male voice choir. The Scotsman asked to hear a recording of bagpipes playing Scotland the Brave.
The Englishman asked if he could be shot first.

[red750]

Girl: "I left work today. I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me."

 

Boyfriend: "What did he say?"

 

Girl: "You're fired."

[red750]

 

Marriage counsellor to husband:  "Your wife says you don't buy her flowers."

 

Husband:  "To be honest, I didn't know she sold flowers."

[Old Koreelah]

[onetrack]

[onetrack]

[old man emu]

9 minutes ago, onetrack said:

Is that taken from outside Trump Towers?

[Old Koreelah]

[nomadpete]

3 hours ago, Old Koreelah said:

I think there is still room on the page for a few more......

 

But in the interests of fairness, has anybody made a similar mugshot lineup for the rest of the Republican Party or the Democrats?

[Old Koreelah]

[willedoo]

1 hour ago, Old Koreelah said:

I wonder if the Democrats are more honest, or just smarter at not being caught.

[facthunter]

Not many would accuse Jimmy Carter of being a crook. Crooks get the best Lawyers so they look better than they are..  Nev

[Old Koreelah]

[onetrack]

[onetrack]

A 75 year old man goes to the doctor for a routine check up, and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.

"Well ... It's not bad at all, to be honest. The wife isn't that interested anymore, so I just cruise around looking for casual sex.

In the past week I've picked up and bedded 3 women, all of them under 30 years of age."

"My goodness! - and at your age too!!," the Doctor said.

"I hope at least, you took some precautions!"

"Yep, I sure did! I gave them all a false name!"

[old man emu]

6 hours ago, onetrack said:

"I hope at least, you took some precautions!"

"Yep, I sure did! I gave them all a false name!"

Sage advice!

[facthunter]

Make sure they don't have BIG very fit Brothers who know where you live.  Nev

[red750]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his bum, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque

.  
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi! You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent.  We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You will have to drive her around in his New Mercedes-Benz SEL, and he will supply your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas travels.  This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!" 

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."
 

[red750]

Moishe Plotnik's Laundry

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners, etc.

Then he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'

"Moishe Plotnik?" he wondered.

'How does that belong in Chinatown?'

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball caps, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo 'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.'

The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back home.

Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.

The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?'''

The old man answered, "Ah..Evleebody ask me dat.

It name of owner."

Looking around, the tourist asked,

"Is he here now?"

"It me. Me him!" replied the old man.

"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?''

"It simple" said the old man.

"Many, many year ago I come to this country. I, standing in line at Document Center of Immiglation.

Man in front of me was man from Poland.'

Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What you name?'

He (Polish man) say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.' Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'

I say, 'Sam Ting.'"
 

[Old Koreelah]

[red750]

To the man who invented zero  -  thanks for nothing.

[facthunter]

Pretty important number. Very clever actually. Just whack a few extra noughts on the end of the next cheque you give me. Nev

[red750]

Two politicians go out to lunch together. In the middle of lunch one jumps up and says: “Bugger. I forgot to lock the office safe before we left.”
The other politician replies: “No worries. We’re both here.”

[red750]

What are the only two seasons a bogan can name?
Football and cricket.