Quickies part 2

[rgmwa]

2 hours ago, facthunter said:

Pretty important number. Very clever actually. Just whack a few extra noughts on the end of the next cheque you give me. Nev

Cheque for $0,000,000 is in the mail, Nev

[Old Koreelah]

1 hour ago, rgmwa said:

Cheque for $0,000,000 is in the mail, Nev

[pmccarthy]

And holidays....

 

And so, how pleased his lordship was, and how he smiled to say,
“That’s good, my boy. Come, tell me now; and what is Christmas Day?”
The ready answer bared a fact no bishop ever knew —
“It’s the day before the races out at Tangmalangaloo.”

 

-John O'Brien

[red750]

Nescafe  manages  to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

 

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Holiness, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee.'

 

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed.”

 

"Well, says the Nescafe man, we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

 

"My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed.

 

"The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee. Please consider it.” And he leaves.

 

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals."There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."

 

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

“We're losing the Tip Top Bread account!"

 

 

[red750]

Here's a quick question.

 

2 parts Paprika

1 part  Vegemite

2 parts Lobster

2 parts Vanilla

 

What Aussie dessert does that make?

 

[old man emu]

Went and say an Irish Dancing Group called Streamdance. They are a Riverdance tributary group.

[Jerry_Atrick]

Hook, line, and stinker.. I though you were serious for a few seconds!

[nomadpete]

) groan (

[red750]

Answer to the quick question above   -   PAVLOVA.

 

PA   prika

V    egemite

LO   bster

VA   nilla

 

If you got the final question on The 1% Club Show on Ch 7 the other night, that question was worth $99,000.

 

[red750]

A teacher comes into the classroom one morning, and notices some small writing on the board.

 

She looks closely and sees the word "PENIS".

 

She decides not to create a rucus, and wipes it off.

 

The next day, it's there again, only larger. Again she rubs it off and goes on with the class. This happens on the next two days as well.

 

On the fifth day, the message says, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

[red750]

Two Queenslanders, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their local pub having a few beers. 

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know what, I'm tired of going through life without a good education. 

Tomorrow I think I'll go down to that community college and sign up for some classes." 

Next day, Jim goes to the college and meets with the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and Logic. 

"Logic?" Jim asks the Dean. "What's that?" 

The Dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a whipper snipper?" 

"Yeah!" 

Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I think that you would have a yard." 

"That's true, I do have a yard." 

"I'm not done yet, the Dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." 

"Yes, I do have a house." 

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." 

"Yes, I have a family." 

"I'm not done yet, the Dean says. "Because you have a family, then logically you would have a wife".  

"And, because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."? 

"I am a heterosexual." says Jim. "That's amazing, you were able to find out all that because I have a whipper snipper!" 

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the pub. 

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic. 

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?" 

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. 

Do you have a whipper snipper?" 

"No." 

"Then you're a poofter.

[red750]

A young Army private seeks permission from his commanding officer to leave camp the following weekend.
“You see,” he explains,
“my wife’s expecting.”
“I understand,” the officer tells him.
“You go, and tell your wife that I wish her luck.”
The following week the same soldier is back again with the same explanation:
“My wife’s expecting.”
The officer looks surprised,
“Still expecting?” asks. `Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course, you can have the weekend off.”
When the same soldier appears again the third week, however, the officer loses his temper.
“Don’t tell me your wife is still expecting,” he says.
“Yes, sir,” says the soldier resolutely. “She’s still expecting.”
“What in heaven is she expecting?” the officer. Says the soldier simply,
“Me.”

[red750]

I was reading the headline page of MSN News. I got the shock of my life.

 

The headline read "QANTAS Airline Closes Down."

 

Then I read further and they were talking about the shareprice on Friday.

[red750]

Saw a van on the road today with a sign on the back door.

 

Haymes Paint. Australia's best paint

 

Someone had removed the last 't'.

[red750]

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful.
Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?”
“You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”
The man lowered his head and said,
“Wedding cake.”

[facthunter]

The most dangerous thing to consume is SWALLOWING the rubbish you see on TV and in the Papers.  Nev

[spacesailor]

The MOST Damaging ls !,

Government properganda  

By far .

spacesailor

[facthunter]

You need PROPER gander's or you'll end up with NO geese. and no hope of Golden Eggs.  Nev

[old man emu]

I once knew a plumber who was also a musician. He was great with the Pan Pipes.

[Marty_d]

Have a close look at most of the brass instruments, put together by very skilled plumbers.

[facthunter]

Genius's in sheet metal. Indentured to very skilled artesans.  Nev

[red750]

Many years ago my brother trained as an instrument maker with TAA. We were surprised that musical instrument makers shared the same course.

[red750]

Murphy was driving down the street when he spotted Paddy standing at the bus stop. He pulled over and said, "Paddy, would you like a lift?"

 

"No," said Paddy, "I might miss my bus."

[old man emu]

Please don't tidy the mess on my desk.

It'll only make me more confused.

[nomadpete]

There is no mess on my desk.... everything is carefully laid out precisely where I left it.