Quickies part 2

[red750]

Toyota Camry, actually.

[old man emu]

52 minutes ago, red750 said:

Toyota Camry, actually.

Close enough.

[Old Koreelah]

[red750]

Billie Brownless told this joke on the radio the other day.

 

Little Johnny was fidgeting badly at the back of the class.

The teacher went to investigate and found him scratching at his crotch.

"What's the matter with you?" she asked.

"I was circumcised yesterday and it's very itchy." he replied.

The teacher said, "Go to the principal's office and ask to ring your mother and tell her what's happening."

Off goes little Johnny, and a few minutes later he comes back to class.

Soon there is a lot of kerfuffle at the back of the room. The teacher investigates.

There she sees Johnny with his willy out.

"I though t I told you to ring your mother." she said.

"I did." replied Johnny. "She said if I can stick it out till lunchtime, she would pick me up."

 

Not new, but not bad.

[red750]

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Pick & Pay.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfil.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Pick & Pay.

Dear Mrs. Morland:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Morland, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals

3. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.

4. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

5. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

6. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

7. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

8. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.
 

[Jerry_Atrick]

Some good ideas for when.i am next dragged on a shopping trip

[red750]

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

[facthunter]

Knuckle draggers.  Nev

[red750]

A guy meets a genie. The genie says "I'll grant you three wishes."

 

The guy says "Make it four".

 

"Granted" said the genie. "You have three wishes left."

[facthunter]

Next request.  I want (insert LARGE NUMBER HERE) wishes,  Nev

[old man emu]

During WW2, were the women of the Russian 588th Night Bomber Regiment, hors de combat?

.

>
>
>
>
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Night_Witches

 

[facthunter]

Polikarpov Training Biplanes. Till about 15 years ago they used to meet regularly. Nev

[red750]

Can you count to 10 in German?

 

Nein.

[Marty_d]

Ja.

[facthunter]

You only "Count" if you're higher up.  Nev

[Old Koreelah]

[red750]

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.

 (Winston Churchill loved them).

1.       Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

 

1.       The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on my list.

 

1.       Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

1.       If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

 

1.       War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

 

1.       Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 

1.       They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

 

1.       To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.

 

1.       I thought I wanted a career.  Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.

 

1.       In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’  I put “DOCTOR.”

 

1.       I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

 

1.       Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street…with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

 

1.       Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

 

1.       A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

 

1.       You do not need a parachute to skydive.  You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

 

1.       Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

 

1.       There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

 

1.       I used to be indecisive.  Now I’m not so sure.

 

1.       You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

 

1.       To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

 

1.       Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

 

1.       Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

1.       Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

 

1.       I’m supposed to respect my elders, but now it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one.

 

P.S.: I didn't do the numbering - straight copy and paste.

[red750]

If a man says something in the woods, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?

[facthunter]

What's the significance of the "In the woods" bit?  Nev.

[red750]

Just as copied.

[onetrack]

"In the woods" is supposed to be that repository of silence where no-one can hear you, and there is no sound except the normal sounds of the forest.

[Marty_d]

If he says it in the bush, she'll probably hear him.

[Jerry_Atrick]

Then he's not doing it right

[pmccarthy]

Yodelling up the canyon.

[nomadpete]

If you can give her a bilingual tongue lashing, you are a cunning linguist indeed.