Quickies part 2

[red750]

 I bought a NEW Truck a couple of months ago, but  took it back to the dealer the next day because I couldn’t get the radio to work. 

The technician kindly explained to me that this was a “SMART TRUCK” and the radio was “VOICE-ACTIVATED”. 

He turned the radio on and said, “Nelson” to the radio. 
The radio replied, “Ricky or Willy?”

 

“Willy” he continued and ‘On the road again’ came on the speakers. 

Then he said “AC/DC”, and in an instant, ‘Highway to hell’ took the place of Willy Nelson. 

I drove away happy and for the next few days every time I said “Beethoven” 

I would get beautiful classical music or if I said “Beatles” I would get one of their greatest hits.  

 Well, yesterday, a fella ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new truck but luckily I swerved in time to avoid it. 

I yelled out “YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT!”  

 

And the radio said, “Peter Dutton or Barnaby Joyce?” 

 

I love my new truck!

[red750]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonald's’.😃

[Marty_d]

I thought the answer to that one was "You were born yesterday!"

[facthunter]

I hardly think proclaiming her real age would be so easily accepted At that point her efforts to get ageless beauty have come to nothing.. That wouldn't be pretty to watch. Nev

[nomadpete]

3 hours ago, facthunter said:

I hardly think proclaiming her real age would be so easily accepted At that point her efforts to get ageless beauty have come to nothing.. That wouldn't be pretty to watch. Nev

There's no need to bring logic in here, Nev

[facthunter]

Experience. A womans age is dangerous territory, especially with those who've had face lifts.  I have to mention in passing that MY wife is NOT included in the face lift brigade but there are others one can recall. It's pretty understandable if you put yourself in their Place.   Nev

[red750]

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

 

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening.. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

 

Just then they came upon another cave.
The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

 

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................

 

You'll like this........ 

 

 

 

 

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

 

[red750]

This is not a joke as such, but does not warrant a thread of its own.

 

Does anyone know the origin of the practice of cutting a student pilots shirt-tail when they complete their first solo?

[old man emu]

Here's one explanation.

Prior to the introduction of headsets and radio communication, instructors sat behind their student pilot in open-cockpit tandem aircraft. The lack of hearing equipment in an open-cockpit and tandem seating arrangement made communication between instructor and student challenging. According to aviation lore, the student’s flight instructor would grab hold of and tug on the student’s shirttail to get their attention and provide directions as necessary. After they successfully complete their first solo flight, the student’s instructor takes a pair of scissors and carefully cuts out a portion of the back of the student’s shirt. Shirt cutting is a sign of an instructor’s new confidence in their student, symbolizing that they no longer require the instructor’s hands-on assistance, as they once did.

[red750]

That's the story told on a Facebook post showing a student who had completed his first solo.

[old man emu]

I didn't get it off FB. Picked it up from another search result. 

 

When you think about analogies,  one would think that the instructor should pin a feather on the shirt tail to signify that the student was "fledged" 

 

To fledge: Archaic. (of young birds) able to fly.

"to acquire feathers," 1560s, from Old English adjective *-flycge (Kentish -flecge)

[Marty_d]

The certificate I got after first solo has a cartoon of a young magpie being booted out of the nest.

[red750]

From Facebook..

 

Story of the day
2 days ago
  · 
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer. 
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing." 
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.  Then maybe a nap.

[red750]

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks..
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
Big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This
Doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

[red750]

[red750]

What is a single letter word followed by four silent letters?

[onetrack]

Queue.

[red750]

[willedoo]

A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint.
The barman looks at him and says “No way mate, you’re out of your head already.”

[Marty_d]

The lead singer of Australian Crawl was on a flight from Madrid to Barcelona when he tripped and fell in the Isle.

He stated later that he couldn't understand it, he was fine in Madrid but kept falling while airborne. 

 

So it's true that Reyne, in Spain, falls mainly on the plane.

[onetrack]

We need a "groan" emoji, more than ever!

[Jerry_Atrick]

I fronted court today and had to ask is a lady barrister without her briefs a solicitor?

[red750]

Rosie Hall buys a self-assembly, flat-pack, cupboard from her local Homebase store.  Reaching home Rosie reads the instructions carefully, counts the pieces then assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really great and she is delighted.
Now, Rosie lives near a railway line and as the train passes by the cupboard collapses.  Undaunted by this misfortune she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard.  Once more, another train passes and the whole cupboard collapses again.
Rosie now frustrated and thinking that she must have done something "wrong" re-re-reads the instructions and re-re-assembles the cupboard.  Shortly, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses yet again for the 3rd time.
Rosie is now fed up, and rather angry. So she phones the customer service department.  She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a fitter to take a look.
The fitter arrives and assembles the cupboard.  Again, a train passes and the cupboard collapses.  Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the fitter decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse.  At this point, Rosie's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says, 'Oh, that's a splendid looking cupboard,' and he opens it to look inside.
The fitter, who had been wondering how to explain his position in Rosie's bedroom cupboard, blurts out, 'You probably won't believe me, but I'm standing here waiting for a train.'

 

[red750]

A very refined lady goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday.
As she doesn’t know which one to get, she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark glasses. She says,
“Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.”

She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10lb test line. It’s a good all-around combination; it’s on sale this week for only $20.00.”

She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
“Oh, that sounds like a Visa card,” he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks the wind.
At first, she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who passed gas.

Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,
“Didn’t you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?”

He replies, “Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel are $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”

[red750]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends…

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home (🏡) one (☝️) night. The next morning she told (🗣️) her husband that she had slept (🛌) over at a friend's house (🏠). The man called (🗣️) his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home (🏡) one (☝️) night. The next morning he told (🗣️) his wife that he had slept (🛌) over at a friend's house (🏠). The woman called (🗣️) her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept (🛌) over, and two said (🗣️) he was still there.