Quickies part 2

[facthunter]

Only the most intelligent can get mine.  Nev

[old man emu]

Talking in Miss Iris' class got you six of the best - eyelashes.

[Marty_d]

3 hours ago, nomadpete said:

Enough with the granddads jokes already!

 

This thread is for FUNNY jokes ....

Hey, we could be chuckling at our own jokes!

[red750]

When I get a headache, I take two aspirin & keep away from children, just like the bottle says.

[octave]

3 minutes ago, red750 said:

When I get a headache, I take two aspirin & keep away from children, just like the bottle says.

 

I see your recent medical misadventure has  not affected your humorous posts (in either direction)

[nomadpete]

2 hours ago, red750 said:

When I get a headache, I take two aspirin & keep away from children, just like the bottle says.

If only you can keep away from children, you probably wouldn't get a headache.

[old man emu]

This is a long video, but it is well worth grabbing a refreshment and sitting back to listen to it. 

 

 

[red750]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1: 
         Lovers help each other undress before sex. 
         After sex, they always dress on their own. 

         Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.        

SIMPLE TRUTH 2: 
         When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations." 
         But none go up to the man, touch his penis and say, "Good Job." 

         Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.  
       

[red750]

A school kid told this joke on Ch 9' Today programme this morning.

 

The youngster began by asking: 'A vegan and a vegetarian are jumping off a cliff to see who will hit the bottom first. Who wins?' 

'I don't know,' Stefanovic said. 'Who wins?' asked Abo.

The boy didn't miss a beat as he replied: 'Society!'

[Marty_d]

There's someone on Today called "Abo"?

[red750]

It's pronounced Arbo.

[facthunter]

IF you know too much about TODAY you won't know TOO much about anything.  Nev

[red750]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. 
He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"
“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. 
Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. 
"I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." ...........

[red750]

An Aussie truckdriver goes into a roadside cafe with an emu.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, “A hamburger, chips and a Coke,” then turns to the emu to ask, “What’s yours?”

“Sounds great, I’ll have the same,” says the emu.

A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $10.40 please.”

The truckie reaches into his pocket, pulls out the exact change, and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, “A hamburger, chips and a Coke.” The emu says, “Sounds great, I’ll have the same.”

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes routine until one day when the waitress asks, “The usual?”

“No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man.

“Same for me,” says the emu.

The waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”

Once again the man pulls the exact change from his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me mate, but how do you manage to pull the exact change from your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the truckie, “a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and I found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant,” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

Still curious, the waitress asks, “So what’s with the bloody emu?”

The truckie pauses, sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall bird with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

[facthunter]

NOT your usual standard Red.   Nev

[nomadpete]

5 hours ago, facthunter said:

NOT your usual standard Red.   Nev

Aw, c'mon Nev.

It may be an oldie, but it is a goodie......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For anybody who hasn't heard it before.

[Jerry_Atrick]

I liked it..

 

 

 

 

 

But that is not what standards should be judged by

[facthunter]

I didn't say whether it was better or worse.   Nev

[red750]

01.     If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

 02.   Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

 03.   Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

 04.   Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

 05.   The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

[red750]

A preacher who was known for his really SHORT sermons until one Sunday, he started talking and he talked and talked and talked. The congregation was getting nervous. Finally he stopped. As the people went out the door, a couple Deacons asked him what happened and he said " I guess I got the Wife's teeth by mistake this morning and when I got them started, I couldn't get them to stop.

[red750]

A little old lady was driving down the road when she was pulled over by the police.

 

The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

 

She replied, "Because you couldn't catch the others?"

[red750]

Why Australia  is in  Trouble

 
The population of this country is 23 million 
10 million are retired 
That leaves  13 million to do the work 
There are 8 million in school 
Leaving 5 million to do the work
Of these, 2.7 million are “employed” by the federal government 
So there’re only  2.3 million to do the work 
400,000 are in the armed forces 
Which leaves  1.9 million to do the work 
Take from that total the 1.5 million people who “work” for state and city governments 
Just 0.4 million left to do the work 
At any given time there are 18,800 people in hospitals 
Leaving 381,200 to do the work 
Currently we have 380,198 people in prisons 
That leaves just  two people to do the work

 
You and me

 
And there you are sitting on your ass at the computer, reading jokes.

 
Nice….. Real nice.

 

[old man emu]

21 minutes ago, red750 said:

You and me

 
And there you are sitting on your ass at the computer, reading jokes.

 
Nice….. Real nice.

And you're sitting at yours posting that stuff!

[octave]

21 minutes ago, red750 said:

400,000 are in the armed forces 

 

Sorry to be pedantic but this figure is wildly incorrect.    

[old man emu]

2 minutes ago, octave said:

Sorry to be pedantic