Quickies part 2

[octave]

1 hour ago, old man emu said:

 

It could be amusing and accurate and make a valid point.

Edited September 30, 2023 by octave

[octave]

2 hours ago, octave said:

Sorry to be pedantic but this figure is wildly incorrect.    

 

Apologies if this was an inappropriate post. It is not intended to have a go at anyone.    When I read it the number leapt out at me.  As a joke, the numbers don't matter and could be anything.  

[facthunter]

It's presented as  "factual ". IF not what is the point?'  Like IF we all do it where are we at?  One of the reasons I gave up reading Papers . Saves trees and my brain cells  Nev

[spacesailor]

I need ' news-papers ' ,

If only to clean my BBQ .

And glass windows , plus my asss ! .

LoL

spacesailor

[facthunter]

There must be a limit to How much $#!t you can have on a page of any newspaper.  Nev

[Old Koreelah]

[red750]

The only reason there are pyramids in Egypt is because they were too heavy to carry to England.

[spacesailor]

Like the " London Bridge " , taken to Texas US of A .

No Pom's there but the ' whining ' still goes on . ( they thought they bought the Tower Bridge ) .

 

No Eastern treasure in ' Le Louvre " .

spacesailor

Edited October 1, 2023 by spacesailor

[facthunter]

Egypt was the first Country to BAN Pyramid Selling.  Nev

[onetrack]

The Russian acrobat team shouldn't have lodged an official complaint, when the guy at the base of the human pyramid, quit for no reason.

They didn't have Oleg to stand on.

[onetrack]

Whats the difference between Scientology and ancient aliens?

One is an alien-based pyramid scheme, and the other is a pyramid-based alien scheme.

[old man emu]

The religious wars in the USA are a terrible thing. It's the Protestants against the Catholics. That's why there are so many Mass shootings.

[spacesailor]

Not half as bad as the European religious wars , that took half the population.

  and they " perfected " the Art of " Torture " , that kept you ' alive ' for three weeks after removing  your stomach , testicles and other bits & pieces. 

To make you WANT to die .

spacesailor

[nomadpete]

This one is especially for Spacey.... and maybe Jerry

 

 

An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

 

He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?’

She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’

He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’

[spacesailor]

Yes it was funny. 

Now I've heard the joke. 

SO  I must be a Lesbian Too . LoL

The wife Allways tells me so .

spacesailor

[red750]

Pro tip...

 

To keep cake fresh and moist, eat it all in one sitting.

[red750]

You've probably seen this before, but good for another chuckle.

 

AUSTRALIA AND AUSTRALIANS
The following has been written by the late Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame.
"Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea.
Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them.
Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else.
A stick is very useful for this task.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.
A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died.
The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.  They also discovered a stick that kept coming back.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert - equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching
a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a sour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The irritating thing about this is... they may be right.
TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA
Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason - WHATSOEVER.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning is imperative.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless you are a trained linguist and extremely good in a fist fight.
Wear thick socks.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die. And don't forget a stick.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS
They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
They think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place, that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga", but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
Their hamburgers will contain beetroot. Apparently it's a must-have.
How else do you get a stain on your shirt?
They don't think it's summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.
And they all carry a stick.. 😊 🇦🇺

[Jerry_Atrick]

But, they don't mistake prose for a quickie... 😉

 

[red750]

[red750]

Mary had a little lamb,

She loved that lamb the most,

But she loved it even more, 

When it was served as roast.

[old man emu]

A poetic masterpiece by Sam Kekovich.

[red750]

A wife was so fedup with her husband, she packed his bags and told him to get out.

 

As he was going out the door, she said, "I hope you die a long and painful death."

 

He replied, "So you want me to stay?"

[red750]

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. 

 

Here is your first question, the foreman said. 

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9." 

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees. 

"What's this?" the boss asks. 

"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman. 

 

"Fair enough," says the boss. 

"Here's your second question. 

Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99" 

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a little smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, 

"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" 

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, 

"All right, last question.

 

Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,

"Ere you go. One hundred." 

 

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" 

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, 

"A little dog come along and poop by each tree. 

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

 

The Irishman was, until last week. head of Qantas 

[red750]

 

Can vegans eat pudding?

 

Negative. You can't have any pudding if you don't eat your meat.

[red750]