Quickies part 2

[Jerry_Atrick]

Y'know, I have never been married, but somehow have succumbed to the above.

[nomadpete]

10 hours ago, Jerry_Atrick said:

Y'know, I have never been married, but somehow have succumbed to the above.

And that explains why we legalised same sex marriage......

[Jerry_Atrick]

Errr... Maybe.... Although my partner is a woman (and has been female all her life)...

 

I think that is why legalised defacto relationships, rather... at least in Aus. Over here, the law sees us only as two people living together with no marriage-like rights despite length of time together and two kids.

 

 

[spacesailor]

Jerry

A quick trip to the ' registry office  ' can fix that quirk of life .

We can say congratulations. After that humongous event .

Imagine a " licence " for life, without , ' renewals ' . LoL

My licence is 61 year old . Never had to renew it once. 

spacesailor

 

 

 

[Jerry_Atrick]

My partner is too smart to hitch up with me, though...

 

You obviosuly got a top model to last 61 years.. I know some models that maybe made 61 days before the licence was not with terribly much.

 

Edited October 19, 2023 by Jerry_Atrick

[nomadpete]

The only thing I'm certain of, is that tis highly unlikely  Jerry's partner is reading over his shoulder as he types......

[Old Koreelah]

If my large family is anything to go by, a marriage licence is no more guarantee of wedded bliss than living in sin.

[nomadpete]

My mum gave me some good advice ...

"Don't get married, Dear. Married people get divorced, you know. And I rather like this one"

[red750]

A woman visits her husband in prison…
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
“You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!”
The officer laughs and says,
“Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell all day!”
The wife replies:
“Bullshit! He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months!”

[red750]

The cardiologists diet:- If it tastes good, spit it out.

[facthunter]

It usually starts out Cut salt, sugar and  trans fat and keep taking vitamin D. That's not too hard. Avoid processed meat and have plenty of fruit and vegetables.   Nev

[Marty_d]

But as Popa Chubby sings...

https://youtu.be/SQyftyh-t3w?si=Zft-5vTk-UFfzAs-

 

[onetrack]

Chubby isn't the right word for his build. More like "walking heart attack".

[spacesailor]

WHY

Are the ' overweight ' Always having " heart-problems " .

Diabetes yes , but the heart is not Always a problem! . Hopefully. 

Only 95 killoes . So did the fb heart check ( which only goes to 75 .so filled it in And it gave my " heart-age " of an 80 year old .

Great I'm 81 , but they didn't ask for ' beats per minute ' which I suspect would be Important. 

spacesailor

[Marty_d]

5 hours ago, onetrack said:

Chubby isn't the right word for his build. More like "walking heart attack".

He's a big boy all right.  Hell of a guitar player though.  I like his version of "Hallelujah" better than Leonard Cohen's.

 

[red750]

Her:    I like a man who is funny and mysterious.

 

Him:    Knock, knock.

 

Her:     Who's there?

 

Him:     Come out with me and I'll tell you later.

[Jerry_Atrick]

[old man emu]

Not a funny, just an observation.

 

I reckon that if you trawled through this website, with its wide range of topics, you'd be able to get enough material for a good stand-up routine.

[Marty_d]

Still reading Billy Connolly's memoir. He said he never prepared a word, even for a 3 hour show.

[nomadpete]

Santa has been reading all your posts.

 

This year you are all getting dictionaries snd bibles.

[red750]

Some oldies but goodies...

 

If you need a laugh..... (Shared)
It's 1977,  I'm 9 years old. My mom and dad are roaring with laughter and I don't understand what's so funny.
Q . Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years?
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A.George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

[red750]

Mary:  My last boyfriend said he fantasised about having two girls.

 

Jane:   Most men do. What did you tell him?

 

Mary:   If you can't satisfy one, why would you want to piss off two?

[red750]

What film ran for 10 hours and 7 minutes?

[red750]

The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets. Short & sweet, a good one. 

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted cashier, and without missing a beat, she says: 

'Well, that's great....that's just great.....some asshole's got my pen!' 

[rgmwa]

12 minutes ago, red750 said:

What film ran for 10 hours and 7 minutes?

War and Peace was about 7 hrs