Quickies part 2

[red750]

Did you hear about the tiger that went on a vegan diet?

 

Ate three vegans a day and felt great.

[facthunter]

Remember when a certain brand of Petrol put a "Tiger in your Tank"? Nev

[pmccarthy]

My aunt had a huge sign on her loungeroom wall which said Mit den tigre e tanken. I don’t even know what language that is, but it had the big tiger picture and must have come from a service station.

[red750]

It's German, and translates as "Refuelling with the Tigre E"

[onetrack]

Halloween joke a trifle late ...

 

Q. Why don't Monsters eat Ghosts on Halloween?

 

A. Because they taste like sheet.

[onetrack]

I think there's something missing in the German wording. I think it should be "Mit den tigre en tanken" - "Refuelling with the Tigers".

[pmccarthy]

7 hours ago, onetrack said:

I think there's something missing in the German wording. I think it should be "Mit den tigre en tanken" - "Refuelling with the Tigers".

It was a long time ago, could well be. As a child I stared at the sign trying to understand it.

Edited November 2, 2023 by pmccarthy

[old man emu]

Surely it's simply "With a tiger in the tank". 

 

This is the typical ad     but the tiger fought back 

[nomadpete]

"Grandad, what's a gas station attendant?"

 

BTW, that second ad looks odd. I can't  read the sponsors across the bottom of the page. Was there some complaint against  Esso?

[old man emu]

Sorry, I couldn't enlarge the image to make the text readable. The "attendant in my tank" is a bit of wit.

 

https://onlykutts.com/index.php/2021/12/20/iconic-ads-esso-put-a-tiger-in-your-tank/

 

Here's a German ad. Pause at the end as the car is driving away to see the window sticker.

 

 

[nomadpete]

1 hour ago, old man emu said:

Sorry, I couldn't enlarge the image to make the text readable. The "attendant in my tank" is a bit of wit.

And my granddads comment was a failed bit of wit. Only folks over 60 would remember seeing a service station attendant. Or seeing tiger tails hanging from fuel caps.

 

The second ad shows comments across the bottom of the page, by Kellogs, U.S. Royals and top Brass. Unlikely support groups for petroleum. Hence my suspicion of their motives.

[old man emu]

2 hours ago, nomadpete said:

Unlikely support groups for petroleum.

The reference to those four companies had nothing to do with petroleum. It was the Tiger taking a shot at them for using his image in their advertising - "got sick and tired of being exploited".

[facthunter]

They used to fill the tank wash the windscreen check the oil for you. My eldest did this job briefly and many a time the Oil was way down.  MOST cars didn't have that much in to start  with Jaguars excepted. Nev

[red750]

[nomadpete]

In Tasmania,  there are still a couple of fuel stations that employ a person to attend to refuelling your vehicle.

 

 

No. This is not a joke.

[Marty_d]

Here's one I heard on the radio.

 

Q. 

How can you tell the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?

 

A. 

Give it a weigh

Give it a weigh

Give it a weigh

Give it a weigh now...

[red750]

'Involuntary Muscle Contraction'
 
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first-year medical students.

 

This was not an exciting subject and the Professor decided to lighten up the mood.

 

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked: 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied: 'Probably golfing with his mates.'
 

[red750]

Never truer words were said . . .

 We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

Aesop, Greek slave & fable author

 

 Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.

Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

 

 Politicians are the same all over:  they promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President;  I'm beginning to believe it.

Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defence' by Irving Stone.

 

 Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

John Quinton, American actor/writer

 

 Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them".

Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952.

 

 A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

Texas Guinan, 19th century American businessman

 

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.

Charles de Gaulle, French general & president

 

 Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

Doug Larson, English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games

 

What happens if a politician drowns in a river?  That is pollution.

What happens if all of them drown?  That is solution !!

 I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two are lawyers and three or more are the government.

John Adams (1735 - 1826)

 

 Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of Government.  But then I repeat myself. 

Mark Twain (1835- 1910)

 

 I don't make jokes.  I just watch the Government and report the facts! 
Will Rogers (1879- 1935)

 

I contend that for a nation to try and tax itself into prosperity, is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)

 

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul, can always depend on the support of Paul!

Will Rogers (1879- 1935)

 

The problem we face today is that the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

George Bernard Shaw (1856- 1950)

 

 I don't like political jokes, but a lot of them get elected!

 

[facthunter]

Be careful WHO you vote for. It's your greatest strength aside from rebellion. IF they have vast recently acquired wealth look no further  for a crime scene. Nev

[red750]

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This duck ain't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed it's butt, and said, "This ain't no Kentucky duck. This duck's from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee licence?" The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck. "This duck's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!" 😂

[red750]

A blonde went to the doctor for an ultrasound. He said, "You're having a daughter. What will you call her?"

 

"Helen. I've got five daughters and they are all named Helen."

 

"isn't that confusing?" said the doctor. "What if they are all upstairs and you only want one to come down?"

 

"Then I call her by her last name." said the blonde.

[red750]

A skydive instructor is answering questions from his students.

 

A first timer asks, "If our main chute fails, and our reserve chute fails, how long till we hit the ground?"

 

With a deadpan straight face, the instructor says, "The rest of your life."

[red750]

I was in a cab the other day. The driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."

 

I said, "Turn left."

[red750]

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.

“Stay where you are,” she said.

“He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife:

“Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife.

Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.

The husband climbed out of bed and counted.

One, two, three, four, you’re right.

[red750]

Today is 11/11/2023. Tomorrow is 12/11/2023.

 

In America, it is 11/11/2023. Tomorrow will be 11/12/2023.