Quickies part 2

[red750]

Ahh! Social media - where all the idiots expose their stupidity...

 

Have a few laughs.

[nomadpete]

3 hours ago, red750 said:

Ahh! Social media - where all the idiots expose their stupidity...

 

Have a few laughs.

Most of those seem to be simple autocorrect bloopers. Or maybe voice-to-text bloopers.

 

Or Jerry has been lending his keyboard out.

[red750]

Former Geelong AFL star Billy Brownless has a radio show in Melbourne, where he cracks some very questionable jokes. Here are a couple from this week.

 

You've got to hand it to blind prostitutes.

 

A father comes in to find his son with a tin of boot polish, shining up the family jewels. The father says, "No, I said turn your clock back."

[Jerry_Atrick]

Yeah - I do listen to JB and Billy.. despite him being a Geelong player, I find him entertaining. I think JB has nicknamed him "thick", but he is anything but. Yeah, it's base humour, but he carries it well. He also owns a pub in Geelong and a canola farm - I think in the east of the state but can't recall.

Edited November 12, 2023 by Jerry_Atrick

[old man emu]

I can still recall the first word I learned from my father. And the taste of the soap my mother made me wash my mouth out with.

[red750]

Why are laywers buried 12 feet under?

 

Deep down, they're good people.

[red750]

A man was out shopping when he came across a new brand of Olympic condoms, so he bought a pack and took them home and showed his wife. They come in three colours, Gold Silver and Bronze.

 

His wife said, "What colour are you going to wear tonight?"

 

He replied, "Gold, of course."

 

She said, "You should wear silver. It would be nice if you came second for a change."

[Marty_d]

Sounds like you need 3 participants for someone to get bronze!

[red750]

To be number 1, you have to be odd.

[old man emu]

While I was walking through the bush this morning, I trod on something sharp. It was an echidna surprise.

[facthunter]

They are ALWAYS spiked.   Nev

[Marty_d]

2 hours ago, old man emu said:

While I was walking through the bush this morning, I trod on something sharp. It was an echidna surprise.

Surely you're chidding us.

[red750]

Husband (to wife), "Your clothes are too tight and revealing."

 

Wife replies, "Then wear your own."

[red750]

I was sitting drinking a coffee in a coffee shop, when a beautiful young lady came up and said, "Are you alone?"

 

I said, "Yes, all by myself."

 

She said, "Then you won't mind if I take this chair?"

[facthunter]

He should have replied, YES. Nev

[red750]

The Genius of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popu, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work
Borrowed from the FB pages of WH pal, Laura Sebourn Terpening.

 

 

[red750]

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
On the way home, the wife notices a tear in her husband’s eye and asks if he’s getting sentimental because they’re celebrating 50 wonderful years together.
“No, I was thinking about the time before we got married,” he replied.
“Your father threatened me and said he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. Tomorrow I would’ve been a free man!”

[red750]

What's the hardest part of being a vegan?

 

Keeping it to youself.

[red750]

Yesterday I read an article on the dangers of drinking. It was so terrifying I have decided to give up reading.

[red750]

"Why do you think the Earth is flat?"

 

Flat Earther:  "Well, it's 70% water, and it's not carbonated."

[facthunter]

FAIL. It IS becoming acidic from absorbing carbon dioxide.   nev.

[pmccarthy]

Seawater has a PH of 8.1 which makes it quite alkaline. It is impossible for it to become acidic.

[red750]

FFS guys, this is a joke thread, not chemistry.

[spacesailor]

But it will gain more salinity.  Making more drag for shipping.

spacesailor

[Jerry_Atrick]

Seems this thread had gained some salinity, too...