Phil Perry Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 I went to a music shop and a man was putting blankets over all the electric guitars of a lower resonance. I said, what are you doing? He said, I’m just covering all basses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 I mistakenly bought a 500g bag of sultanas. When I took them back to the shop, they gave me a 250g bag of raisins. The currant exchange rate is terrible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 One of the grandkids left a roll of bubblewrap in the front room last night. I asked the Mrs what she wanted to do with it. 'Just pop it in the corner' she said. That's 4 hrs of my life I won't get back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomadpete Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 Thanks Phil. But can't you find (or steal) anything better than grandad jokes? Even dad jokes would be better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 Thanks Phil. But can't you find (or steal) anything better than grandad jokes? Even dad jokes would be better. Sorry Pete. . . at my age, I only socialise with Grandads. . . . I doubt if I shall be feeling very 'Jocular' by Christmas time, as my Eldest Daughter ( the one born in Melbourne in October 1982 ) has Her Birthday tomorrow, ( Expense but not begrudged in any way ) Then on Halloween, it's Wifey's Birthday. . .( More expense and Thai meal at the most bloody expensive Thai restaurant I've ever found in the UK . . .but not begrudged in any way ) [ Honestly ] Then on November 4th, aforementioned eldest Daughter is getting Married. . .better late than never, ( Extreme expense, but not begrudged in any way ) I wonder,. . . Does it cost much these days to declare one's self Bankrupt ? ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomadpete Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 For your last mentioned (not begrudged in any way) trial, I recommend a simple solution..... Shamelessly bribe them to elope. Good luck with the others, though. I try to avoid celebrating landmark occasions that only serve to remind me of the accelerating passage of the years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spacesailor Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 Phil Iv'e attended three weddings this year "For your last mentioned (not begrudged in any way) trial, I recommend a simple solution..... Shamelessly bribe them to elope." Definitely the Best solution. Ten thousand just for the wedding photographer! Out of my world That sort of money will get them a Great wedding, honeymoon and holiday to remember for the rest of their married life 20 or 30,000 pound seems the normal cost of a wedding nowdays. spacesailor Forgot to put One in Vanuatu, one England and last one here in Richmond NSW Cheepest Vanuatu, even with paying parents, flights, hotels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marty_d Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 Depends on the couple. Not everyone wants flashy. My wife & I got married here at home. I did up the shed and built a deck on it, hung a few metres of cheap fabric from the ceiling, hired a photographer for $800 who gave us the photos on disk instead of printed, got it catered by chef friend for the princely sum of $1,700. Bought bulk beer & wine and hired a portaloo to save folks from tramping up to the house. We would have spent less than $6,000 including the deck on the shed (which I've now walled in to make the shed bigger). It was a beautiful day. On the other hand some Croatian friends of mine got married around the same time, spent $80,000 on their wedding. I'm sure they had a wonderful day too, but afterwards they had $74,000 less to spend on things like houses... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 Daughter and Partner have been together for a long time, saved an astonishing amount of money between them and used most of it to pay 30% of the total cost of a 2 storey 3 bed house as a deposit; leaving a relatively comfortable and affordable mortgage spread over 20 years. They're both grafters so we won't be surprised if they pay it off early. I know what you mean about Wedding Photographers too ! They have arranged a good deal though, where the Lady photographer will only be on site for around 2 hours. I don't know the exact figure they've negotiated, but they seem quite happy with it. There will be seven circular tables for the wedding meal, each seating ten persons. I had to giggle when I saw the seating plan though, instead of Numbering the tables, each one is named after a Cocktail ! There's an A0 colour printed poster which lists who sits where, and the tables have personalised place settings. I think that is to separate certain family members ( for some reason ! ) I'm trying not to think about our financial contribution to this lot. . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerry_Atrick Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 congrats, Phil... hope her day is a good one... i have been with partner 22 years; two kids; not married.. saved a fortune on it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 Got to be honest, I never thought that they would bother getting hitched either ! They've been together for ten years. so I guess the're well used to each other now. . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomadpete Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 Ooooh Marty. I gotta admire your foresight. You are ever so much more cunning than I ever was. But, you sure went to a lot of trouble, just to get permission to extend the shed enough to build an aircraft! ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marty_d Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 Ooooh Marty. I gotta admire your foresight. You are ever so much more cunning than I ever was.But, you sure went to a lot of trouble, just to get permission to extend the shed enough to build an aircraft! ;-) I'd like to be able to take credit for that, but the truth is that building a plane was just a dream back then. Plus, since I walled in the front section she's taken it over, so I didn't gain that much... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomadpete Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 I understand. Once I put the wood heater in, a big part of my shed got lined, and requisitioned as the 'She Shed' The sanctity of a man's territory (the last refuge) has been violated. :-( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted October 26, 2018 Author Share Posted October 26, 2018 A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a five dollar note in one hand and a two dollar coin in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the coin and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, may I ask you a question? Why did you take the two dollar coin instead of the five dollar note?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the five dollars, the game is over!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted October 26, 2018 Share Posted October 26, 2018 What sort of holiday does a terrorist go on? A suspicious package holiday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted October 26, 2018 Author Share Posted October 26, 2018 ‘Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.’ One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door. Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. As Margaret Thatcher said: Both politicians and nappies need to be changed often and for the same reason! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted October 30, 2018 Author Share Posted October 30, 2018 A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest: “I almost had an affair with another woman.” The priest asked: “What do you mean, almost?” The man replied: “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.” The priest said: “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.” The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying: “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!” The man replied: “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old man emu Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 With the list for the grocery shopping in my hand, I opened up the boot and grabbed some Tesco, ASDA and Sainsbury's grocery bags and did ALDI shopping. I wish I was rich and could shop at MS Waitrose's. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
old man emu Posted October 31, 2018 Share Posted October 31, 2018 It's Halloween! Two little ghouls came knocking at my door, trick-or-treating. I gave them some sLime I Scream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted November 1, 2018 Share Posted November 1, 2018 Russian guy queues all day at the butcher to buy meat for dinner. When he finally gets to the front the butcher pulls down the shutters, "no more meat". Fella goes into melt down, explains he has worked hard, supported the revolution, been a comrade all his lfe, but all to no avail. As he leaves a guy in a long coat comes out of the shadows. "comrade, comrade, stay calm, a few years ago and you know what would have happened to you" and then using his hand to imitate a gun, points it at the fella's head, cocks his thumb and says "BANG" . When he gets home his wife sees the empty shopping bag and exclaims "Have they run out of meat again ?" Worse than that, he says . . . . they've even run out of bullets now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red750 Posted November 3, 2018 Author Share Posted November 3, 2018 On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: "1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want." The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 Arrived at the Daughter's Hotel yesterday at Noon, so that Daddy could collect her in a Chauffeur driven Daimler and deliver her to the place of legal 'Hitchment' . You would not believe the look of total shock on the face of the Groom, when Wifey and I handed him a large brown envelope stuffed with 2,500 Quid in cash ! He said that this was a good excuse for doing a 'Runner' !. . .They had specifically asked us Not to buy them a specific wedding pressie, as they'd already stuffed their house full of every imaginable form of domestic goodies already ! and we had some cash floating about from Mother in law's Bequest. We thought that the cash would be appropriate, since they had paid for the entire wedding up front and refused any help with it. The cash was my idea, as Knowing them, if it had been a cheque, they could have easily trashed it and not stuffed it into their bank. . . (** Edit to Add: The Lady at the Bank was most put out after she asked me why we wanted so much cash all at once and I replied "Don't worry love, it's just a Money Laundering scam we're running. . Why do some folks seem to lack any sense of Humour ? ),. . . I will post a Piccie or two when they get back from Singapore and Thailand,. . leaving early tomorrow morning ( Nov 6th ) on an Emirates A-380. . . I quietly asked the Photographer Lady if she could 'Photoshop' me some teeth, as I had broken me top set in half a few hours earlier ! I 'Bribed' her to hang around for more time than was agreed, and she Did this, staying on until the event finished at midnight thirty. . . we are probably going to need a Wedding Album slightly larger than the Domesday book. . . As a Bonus, she and her Hubby dragged the newlyweds up to Cannock Chase Forest and took some pics up there too, this wasn't apart of the original plan, but it is amazing what bribery can achieve. . and also fortunately the rain had stopped. .. . that couple were soooo good that Wifey and I paid for a room at the local on site Motel so they could have a meal and a couple of drinks without having a 35 mile drive home in the dark and the rain. . . Great to attend a wedding for a change,. . .at my age, the last few events have been Funerals. . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerry_Atrick Posted November 5, 2018 Share Posted November 5, 2018 Congrats to your daughter and the family - And the concept of a dowry lives on! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil Perry Posted November 6, 2018 Share Posted November 6, 2018 Congrats to your daughter and the family - And the concept of a dowry lives on! Thanks Jerry. . . . Wifey worried now. . She asked me to find Daughter and Son in Law's honeymoon flight using my elastictrickery flight radar 24,. . .when she saw that the flight was not far from Kirkuk,. . she started panicking. . .OMG says she. . " They won't shoot it down will they ? " I said that this would be very bad PR for Emirates if they did. . . It's staying up high at FL 410, skipping along at 500 knots. . .( Airbus A-380 ) as long as the Russians are not testing any missiles I said,. . .they'll probably be OK. . . Once again, my bizarre humour has me in the doghouse. . . They've got a six hour wait at Dubai for the flight to Changi. . . . Daughter is staying off the vodka until they get on the second flight ! Wifey was appalled at the mountainous terrain they were crossing. . ."They should fly around that " says she. . . . . .ahh Bless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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