Quickies part 2

[Marty_d]

I bow to your wit. Hope you're not just stringing us along,  we're all a-quiver. 

[old man emu]

Hey Red! Fletch me another one!

[red750]

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 

[facthunter]

Not many Women go bald or have to shave their faces. Men are most attractive to women when they are OLD and Very RICH.

[old man emu]

16 hours ago, facthunter said:

Not many Women go bald or have to shave their faces

Old Greek women with alopecia.

[nomadpete]

2 minutes ago, old man emu said:

Old Greek women with alopecia.

Sexist, racist, and ageist, all in one sentence.

 

Aced it OME.

 

[old man emu]

3 minutes ago, nomadpete said:

Sexist, racist, and ageist, all in one sentence.

 

Aced it OME.

 

So it's OK to mock the follicularly challenged?

[facthunter]

Mocking is shocking.. ADDS nothing . Can well be done without. Nev

[nomadpete]

8 hours ago, facthunter said:

Mocking is shocking.. ADDS nothing . Can well be done without. Nev

So true, Nev. There are more civilised ways to insult people without upsetting the PC brigade

[red750]

Most bald people still own a comb....they just can't part with it.

[red750]

[red750]

[red750]

[red750]

[red750]

[red750]

Man walks in to a pub in Dublin, and asks “am I too early for a drink?” The barman say “yes, it’s 10 minutes till opening time, you can wait over there though (points to a chair)”. 

The man says thanks and sits down. 

The barman then says “would you like a drink, while you're waiting”.

[facthunter]

Spare Me.  Thats scratching the limits.   Nev

[red750]

Two Mafia hitmen are walking through the forest at night when one of them says,: “I have to admit, it’s pretty scary out here.”

The other replies: “Well, how do you think I feel then? I have to walk back alone.”

[old man emu]

Someone wrote in the thread about barren grape vines that the answer could be found by a Google search. I immediately was reminded of the song about Barney Google, the grandfather of the inventor of that ubiquitous search engine.

 

[red750]

Him:  What would you like for Christmas?

 

Her:  Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.

 

Him:  Right, nothing it is.

[facthunter]

You argue all the time.

NO I don't.

See, you're still doing it now! 

 

 

 

Nev

[red750]

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Kidding Me?"

 

Well, the story goes way back to when the Father of America, George Washington, was crossing the Delaware river with his troops. There were 33 men in Washington's boat.

 

It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

 

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Raymond Dicks and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Dicks, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw the Corporal and his lantern into the Delaware.

 

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find him, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal Dicks had been one of their favorites.

 

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

 

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

 

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there. Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

 

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

 

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 33 men – actually 32 of us without Dicks.'

 

And the Madam said, 'You've gotta be kidding' me. ' 

[red750]

A woman was telling her friend at work her experience the previous day.

 

"I had baked beans for lunch yesterday. When I got home last night, my husband said,

       'I've made you a special dinner. Go wash up and sit at the table.'

I sat down and he told me to put on a blindfold while he served dinner. I put on the blindfold, and just then the phone rang. He said,

       ' No peeking, I'll be back in a minute.'

Well the baked beans were taking effect, and I couldn't hold on. I lifted one buttock and let out a trumpet that smelt like cow manure. The phone call took a little longer than expected, and I needed to release a couple more bursts. I reached out and picked up the table napkin and waved it to difuse the stench.

 

 I heard the call ending, so waved the napkin madly to clear the air. He came in and said,

          "You didn't peek did you?"      I said "No".

He said, "OK, you can take off the blindfold."

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 There were six guests sitting around the table!"

[red750]

How did you quit smoking?
I decided I could only smoke after sex.

[red750]

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? I’m the one she’s going to eat!