Quickies part 2

[red750]

A truck driver goes into a roadside trucky stop and takes a seat at a table. The waitress, on her first day in the job, comes over to take his order.

 

"I'll have two flat tyres, two headlights and two running boards."

 

She doesn't know what it means, but goes to the kitchen and gives the order to the chef and says, "What's all this about. Does he think this is a spare parts place?"

 

The chef says, "Two flat tyres means two pancakes, two headlights means two eggs, sunny side up, and two running boards means two strips of bacon." "Oh." says the waitress.

 

She gets a bowl of baked beans and takes it out and gives it to the driver.

 

He looks at it and says, "What's with the baked beans?"

 

She replied, "While you are waiting for your flat tyres, headlights and running boards, I thought you might want to gas up."

[red750]

I clicked "Accept All Cookies" three weeks ago. I'm still waiting for my damned cookies.     

[Jerry_Atrick]

https://youtube.com/shorts/-tte3tVkcEo?si=7oOmL1bR78oYEzu8

[red750]

Who said nothing is impossible? I did nothing all day yesterday.

[red750]

Bob’s wife Sally called their insurance agent to file a claim and demand the amount the barn was insured for, $60,000.
“Hold on just a second there, that’s not the way it works. First, we’ll send out an adjuster to assess the damage, then we’ll provide you with a replacement barn, just like the original,” stated the agent.
After a lengthy pause,
Sally replied,
“What! Well, if that’s the way it works, cancel the life insurance on my husband immediately.”

[red750]

What is the most pointless job in the world?

 

Fitting turn indicators to a BMW.

[red750]

A rabbi and a priest are driving along when they crash into each other. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says: “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”

 

The priest replies: “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”

 

The rabbi continues: “And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

 

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

 

The priest asks: “Aren’t you having any?”

 

The rabbi replies: “No … I think I’ll wait for the police.”

[red750]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

 

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

 

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck-all.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless..."

 

Makes you proud to be Australian.

[facthunter]

He Made that up because he found GOLD.   Nev

[red750]

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned,

“Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,
“Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving it up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!”

[red750]

Don't blame me, this is a Facebook joke.

 

A guy walks into a bar in a sleepy small town. There is a bit of noise coming from the corner of the bar.

 

The guy says to the barmaid, "What's going on over there?"

 

The barmaid says, "It's Tuyu's birthday.

 

The guy says, "Who is Tuyu?"

 

The barmaid said, "I don't know, but I heard them singing Happy Birthday, Tuyu."

[Jerry_Atrick]

I think I met that barmaid.. quite a few times...

[red750]

A virgin from a traditional family tells her grandmother she is going on her first date. The grandmother says, “Sit here and let me tell you about these young boys. He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breasts. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. Most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. Don’t let him do that; it will disgrace our family.”

Keeping this advice in mind, the virgin goes on her date and afterwards can hardly wait to tell her grandmother about it. “It went just like you said!” she says. “But I didn’t let him disgrace our family. When he tried that, I got on top of him and disgraced his family.”

[red750]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000.

It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”

The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.”

The pastor was amazed.
“Your son is very successful. What does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That is an honourable profession,” the pastor said.
“Where does he practice?”

The old lady said proudly,
“In Nevada….He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”

[red750]

An elderly man had dinner at a very nice restaurant.
After he finished his wine,he went to the men’s room, then walked out through the bar.

It was a beautiful evening, so he decided to leave his car in the parking lot and walk home.
When he arrived at his front door, he realized he didn’t have his keys.

He finally figured they must be in his jacket pocket, which was still hanging in the restroom.
He walked back to the restaurant, found his jacket in the men’s room, and realized he’d left his hat on the table.

He strolled back to the dining room to retrieve his hat, and when he got to his table, his wife asked,
“Is anything wrong? You took such a long time in there.”

[nomadpete]

2 minutes ago, red750 said:

An elderly man had dinner at a very nice restaurant.
After he finished his wine,he went to the men’s room, then walked out through the bar.

It was a beautiful evening, so he decided to leave his car in the parking lot and walk home.
When he arrived at his front door, he realized he didn’t have his keys.

He finally figured they must be in his jacket pocket, which was still hanging in the restroom.
He walked back to the restaurant, found his jacket in the men’s room, and realized he’d left his hat on the table.

He strolled back to the dining room to retrieve his hat, and when he got to his table, his wife asked,
“Is anything wrong? You took such a long time in there.”

I said 'sad' because one day I'll be that old man.

 

 

 

 

But my wife might not be so nice about it

[facthunter]

It's FAKE because "Walking " Home is not an option.   Nev

[red750]

Ron married one of a pair of identical twins.

Less then a year later he was in court filing for divorce.

“Tell the court why you want a divorce,” the judge said.

“Well, Your Honor,” Ron started, “every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical twins, sometimes I’d end up making love to her by mistake.”

“Surely there must be some difference between the two women,” the judge said.

“Exactly, Your Honor. That’s why I want the divorce.”

[red750]

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

Now, I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl so's they don't know we is from Georgia."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Texas drawl, “I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.99, 100 of them there shirts at $1.99, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.39. I'll back up my pickup and...."

"The owner of the shop interrupts, "Y'all from Georgia, ain't ya?"

"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come y'all knowed that?"

"Because this is a Dry-Cleaners."

[old man emu]

[Jerry_Atrick]

Just shows how progressive English was to rid of the gender bias of other languages...

[red750]

Smith climbed to the top of  Mt.  Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asked the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replied, "A minute."

Smith asked, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replied, "A penny."

Smith asked, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replied, "In a minute."

[red750]

"This is my son, Fairfield."

 

"That's an unusual name."

 

"That's where he was concieved. This is my daughter, Backseat."

[old man emu]

What is Elon Musk's favourite sandwich spread?

 

 

FIG JAM

 

 

 

F*ck I'm Good. Just Ask Me.

 

[old man emu]

I reckon the reason Elon Musk destroyed Twitter, makes laughable RVs and fires off sky rockets is to get back at the dudes who bullied him in school.

 

With a name like Elon joined to Musk, he would have had really big targets on his back and chest.