Quickies part 2

[pmccarthy]

Its an anagram of Lone Skum

[facthunter]

  SCUM has a "C" in it.  Nev

[Jerry_Atrick]

Not if you're gen Z 😉

 

[red750]

2 hours ago, facthunter said:

SCUM has a "C" in it.  Nev

[Marty_d]

4 hours ago, facthunter said:

  SCUM has a "C" in it.  Nev

But then he'd be Elon Musc.

[pmccarthy]

Then I could call him No Muscle.

[red750]

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

 

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

[red750]

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

 

After some time he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

 

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'

 

'In bed this early, doing what?'

 

'Getting a second opinion!'

[red750]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

 

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

 

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

 

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

 

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

 

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

 

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[red750]

A Poem - by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,       
My pilot light is out. 
What used to be my pride and joy, 
Is now my water spout.

 

Time was when, on its own accord, 
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job, 
To find the friggin thing.

 

It used to be embarrassing, 
The way it would behave.
For every single morning, 
It would stand and watch me shave.

 

Now as old age approaches, 
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head, 
And watch me tie my shoes!!

[red750]

Three knots.

 

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex. He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks

 

"How am I doing?"

 

She replies "Well, Norman, ya old sailor; I'd say that you're doing about three knots."

 

"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"

 

She says "You're knot hard; you're knot in; and you're knot getting your money back!"

[facthunter]

You're not supposed to go fast when you're docking.   Nev

[Jerry_Atrick]

It's the reverse thrusters that should be going fast...

[kgwilson]

A frog walks in to a bank and asks for a loan.
The loans officer asks for his name.
Kermit the frog says, Kermit Jagger, What's yours?
Patrick he says Patrick Whack.
How much do you want.
I want $30,000.00 says Kermit.
30 thousand, good grief you're just a frog.
I have a famous father says the frog, Mick Jagger. He is a good friend of the bank manager, go and ask him, he'll vouch for me.
Look says Patrick it doesn't matter who your father is you can't get a loan without collateral.
Kermit then fumbles about in his pocket and eventually pulls out a tiny pink elephant perfectly formed and says this is collateral now go and see the manager about my loan.
So Patrick reluctantly goes in to the back office and bumps in to the bank manager on his way out to lunch and quickly relates the story in a a very condescending manner & then shows him the pink elephant offered as collateral saying what the hell is this supposed to be.

The Manager says

It's a nick nack paddy whack
give the frog a loan
his old man's a rolling stone.

[old man emu]

Wanted something different for lunch, but wasn't up for the usual, so I said to the kid taking orders, "I'm not very hungry. I just want to see something a bit different."

Helpfully, the kid said, "The Chicken strips for $6.50?"

I replied, "That's different. But I'd be down six-fifty and still be hungry."

[old man emu]

Nomad, read it again. I edited it to try to improve it.

[facthunter]

All the kids I know would call that an old man Joke. Thats IF you could divert their attention from their I phone.  Nev

[nomadpete]

All the youths I see have become prematurely hunchback.

Whether walking or sitting they are severely hunched over their phone. I wonder how their backs will feel later in life?

[Marty_d]

3 hours ago, old man emu said:

Wanted something different for lunch, but wasn't up for the usual, so I said to the kid taking orders, "I'm not very hungry. I just want to see something a bit different."

Helpfully, the kid said, "The Chicken strips for $6.50?"

I replied, "That's different. But I'd be down six-fifty and still be hungry."

That's just fowl.

[onetrack]

He obviously asked for some plump breast.

[nomadpete]

Tassie is the only state of (modern) Australia  to have a chain of politically incorrectly named fast food stores.

 

LnB ( Legs n Breasts) take away chicken.

 

We freely admit that we appreciate juicy legs and succulent breasts.

[ClintonB]

I got smacked in the head when I was in grade 5 at school bu the teacher. Me and a mate were giggling in class cutting news papers out. The bit that we were laughing at was an add for.large breasted chickens.

I grew up watching hey hey and John Blackman cartoons.

He knew exactly what we were thinking.

[Jerry_Atrick]

A 54 year old accountant decides to run off with his secretary. He leaces a note for his wife that says, "Dear wife, by the time you read this, I will be in a hotel with my beautifule and sexy 18 year old secretrary. Wish you the best with the rest of your life."

 

His wife, also 54, was a clever woman and worked out what hotel he was staying at. By the time he and his young secretary arrived, there was a note waiting in his room for him that read: "Dear husband. By the time you read this, I will be at home with my 18 year old handsome and virile toyboy. And you being an accountant will realise that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

 

 

[red750]

A police officer in Grafton stops at a local farm.
He talks with an old farmer, and tells him.
” I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”.
The farmer says,
” OKay, but do not go in that field over there,” as he is pointing out the location.
The police officer verbally explodes saying,
” Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me”.
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, and proudly displays it to the farmer.
” See the badge old man? this badge means I am allowed to go on any land … have I made myself clear”.
The farmer apologizes, nods and goes about his chores.
A short time later the old farmer hears loud screaming, looks up and sees the police officer running in front of the farmers Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the officer makes the bull gains two, only seconds before the bull reaches him.
The rancher drops his tools and stands up and yells.
“Your badge, Show him your badge!

[facthunter]

He should have just  yelled FREEZE'  Nev