Quickies part 2

[old man emu]

34 minutes ago, facthunter said:

He should have just  yelled FREEZE'  Nev

You've misquoted.

 

The correct call is, "Pleece freeze!"

[red750]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00.
Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
“Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of pr0$t!tut!000000n, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
“New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
“that’s really not so bad.”
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said,
“New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
“Hi Keith.”

[old man emu]

Have you heard about the diabolical torture Hamas is inflicting on the Israeli hostages?

 

It's making the vegan Israelis eat pork chops. 

[ClintonB]

The isralies should get out the jatz, that's how I get rid of hummus

[red750]

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

 

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,

SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.

SHE WAS SO HAPPY ‘BOUT IT ALL,

SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,

YOU’LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.

I’D JUST AS SOON YO’ MA DON’T KNOW,

BUT JOE IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.

 

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE

AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.

BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID,

‘THERE’S TROUBLE STILL!

 

YOU CAN’T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,

AND PLEASE DON’T TELL YO’ MOTHER.

BUT WILL AND JOE,

AND SEVERAL MO’ I KNOW

IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.

 

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,

JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO’ HAPPY.

MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;

YOU AIN’T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

[old man emu]

[red750]

What do you call it when you put a laxative in alphabet soup?

 

Letter rip.

[facthunter]

I think I'd be lost for words.  Nev

[red750]

I asked what she would like for St. Valentines Day.

 

She said, "Diamonds would be nice, nothing would please me more." So I got her nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

[Litespeed]

Sadly Red has been hospitalised for taking his wife at her word.

 

Sadly, us blokes forget they never really mean what they say but sure are mean when we find out.

 

I hope the bruises heal quickly

[red750]

When I win the lotto jackpot, everyone around me will be rich. I'll move to a rich neighbourhood.

[facthunter]

You might regret that.  Nev

[red750]

I saw this joke on Monday. A bit 'off', but...

 

They were thinking of having Lizzo perform at the Super Bowl half time show, but decided against it. They thought that people might think it was over when the fat lady sang.

 

[gareth lacey]

Well,she is fat

[old man emu]

1 hour ago, red750 said:

They thought that people might think it was over when the fat lady sang.

I wonder how much furore the tag to that joke aroused. Clearly the joke is an application of a commonly used saying, not directed towards the lady pictured. But that simple connection would no doubt anger the "cancel culture" adherents. 

[ClintonB]

I think she actually has no issue with her size, seems to accept it and made the best of her talents,her bank account probably makes mine look like a dive bar tip jar.

[allowera]

"Dive bar tip jar"

I hadn't heard that one before.

Still laughing.

Do you mind if I use it?

[facthunter]

Or  a  Church collection Plate when the Lighting failed.   Nev

[ClintonB]

9 hours ago, allowera said:

"Dive bar tip jar"

I hadn't heard that one before.

Still laughing.

Do you mind if I use it?

No worries, I only thought of it as a metaphor after last week in Sydney.

Paying $8 for a large coffee which was in a medium cup and seeing their tip jar and thinking no way am I giving you more money.

Edited February 16 by ClintonB
Didn't finish

[red750]

At the age of 65, my grandma started walking. She is 92 now, and we have no idea where she is.

[old man emu]

I don't want to "party like it's 1999.

 

 

I want to grocery shop like it's 1999.

[facthunter]

I'd like to BE what I was in 1999.. You can't turn back the clock. Make the most of NOW.   Nev

[spacesailor]

1999

Looking forward to the " Sydney Olympics " .

Who's going ? .

spacesailor

[old man emu]

17 minutes ago, spacesailor said:

1999 Looking forward to the " Sydney Olympics ". Who's going ? . spacesailor

 

Luckily, I'll be remaining at my Patrol. Let the young blokes do the long hours of travel. I'll be home twenty minutes after the end of my shift.

[Marty_d]

I remember the New Years Eve party, counting down to midnight and wondering if the lights would go out because someone somewhere didn't fix the Y2K bug in the electricity system.  Of course, nothing happened!