Quickies part 2

[old man emu]

In the dictionary it's spelt fellatio, but I can't get my tongue around it to pronounce it.

[facthunter]

A bit of bad taste on show?  Nev

[Marty_d]

Wasn't Fellatio a famous seaman?

[facthunter]

That was a different FELLA  Nev

[red750]

There may have been a similar version of this joke earlier.

 

A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied,
“Just a stupid can of peaches.”
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, “I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store.”
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone,
“Nine! But why do you care about that?”
The judge answered patiently,
“Well, ma’am because I’m going to give you nine days in jail — one day for each peach.”
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady’s long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, “Yes sir, what do you have to add?”
The husband said meekly,
“Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas.”

[red750]

The King wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. 
The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain. 
So the King and the Queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. 
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm." 
The King replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional.  Besides, I pay him very high wages. He  gave me a very different forecast. I trust him." 
So the king continued on his way. 
 However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.  Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to sack the  meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster. 
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.  I obtain my information from  my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." 
So, the king hired the donkey. 
 And so began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.  The practice is unbroken to this day. 

[spacesailor]

So blooody true .

spacesailor

[red750]

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made of flowers.

 

When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their goodbyes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

 

The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?”

 

“I was thinking about my own funeral,” the man replied.

 

“What’s so funny about that?”

 

“I’m a gynecologist.”

[red750]

An old man just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol, and advised to get at least eight hours’ sleep a night.

 

“What about my sex life?” asked the man. “Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?”

 

“Of course, but only with your wife,” said the doctor. “We don’t want you to get too excited.”

[red750]

The kindergarten class was asked to find out about something exciting and tell it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually it was his turn.

 

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. The teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him what that was.

 

“It’s a period,” replied Johnny.

 

“Well I can see that,” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period?”

 

“Damned if I know,” said Johnny. “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”

[red750]

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a woman that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart”.

[red750]

BLACKLISTED



I’ve often wondered how long before someone will complain about the word. 

 The Court has now ruled:

 

 Mr Mick Mundy of Cooktown has gone to court to have the word "blacklisted" banned.

 Required to state his case, Mick said: "This racist word is demoralising for the blacks of this country!  How can you put people on a list just because they're black, why not put whites on a list also?".

 

 The judge, Bernadette Callaghan, after looking pained and then thinking for a minute said:

 "Whites are on a separate list, they are called 'Tax Payers'!"

[Jerry_Atrick]

The "smarter" ones are tax avoiders...

 

 

[old man emu]

But the Taxman and the Grim Reaper have an agreement on precedence. The Grim Reaper stands back while the Taxman sucks the life blood out of you.

[facthunter]

OME , I doubt you are being sucked dry by the taxman because you are OFF the treadmill. Tax  AVOIDANCE is not conducive to sleeping well at night, because it's shonky nature has risks..  Nev

[old man emu]

I sleep the sleep of the Just.

 

That is until just before dawn, when I've got to get up for a pee.

[facthunter]

Can't argue about that. It's definitely better to be up for it.  Don't dream you are doing it.  Nev

[Marty_d]

Old bloke to his mate: 

"My bowels are regular as clockwork.  Every morning, 6am on the dot!

...Trouble is... I don't wake up til 7..."

[facthunter]

I've NEVER done that , thankfully, but I didn't make it the last 100 yards to home When I was in Infants school. . It was a long walk.  Nev

[Marty_d]

Even the little pig only went "wee, wee, wee" all the way home!

[red750]

EVER HAD A DAY GO BAD THE MOMENT YOU GET OUT OF BED ?????

Sometimes, the more you try to help someone, the worse it gets.
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this
morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even
answer the phone."

 

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and
demand an apology.

 

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, Now,
just a minute, listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I'd locked
the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window
to get my keys.

 

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to
open up.

 

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the
darn phone was ringing off the hook.

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register
drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.

I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the
phone was still ringing.

 

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made
me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke.

 

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to
answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer.

 

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

[red750]

Yesterday I had an appointment with a psychic. I knocked on the door and a voice said "Who is it?", so I left.

[facthunter]

That was the receptionist. . No appointments available till next year. Nev

[spacesailor]

I had a " painful steroid injection " today .

The Doc said " is it painful  " no said I , 

then he made certain it was very painful  .

I can't put that arm anywhere,  without the pain biting .

spacesailor

Edited March 5 by spacesailor

[nomadpete]

11 hours ago, spacesailor said:

I had a " painful steroid injection " today .

The Doc said " is it painful  " no said I , 

then he made certain it was very painful  .

I can't put that arm anywhere,  without the pain biting .

spacesailor

I think that means the doc did a good job. The steroid has to go into the right spot for it to work. I had a steroid shot into my hand - when doc warned me 'this will hurt' I  was sceptical.  But lucky for me she got a nurse to hold my hand down to the table otherwise I would have involuntarily flinched and ruined her aim. It stopped hurting after a couple of weeks.