The Elephant in the Domestic Violence Room

[old man emu]

"As the twig is bent, so is the tree inclined" Alexander Pope, Epistles to Several Persons (1732)

 

“Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man.”― Aristotle, The Philosophy of Aristotle

 

These two statements reflect a truth that tells us that by the early influences in a child's social development set the framework for the social behaviour of the adult. From where does the child experience these influences? Organisations which deal with Domestic Violence will tell you that children, especially males, are influenced by their fathers. If the father expresses violence towards family members, it is said that when the child reaches adulthood, it will be likely to use violence as a form of self-expression. The war on Domestic Violence is aimed mainly at the male partner, but are all males inherent users of violence? To shoot all the blame home to men is to ignore the presence of the elephant called "Entertainment" in the Domestic Violence Room. I invite you to take a critical look around you at the violence dished up to our children as entertainment, and the society that is responsible for its production.

 

Go to the toy section of any K Mart, Big W, Target or independent toy shop. There you will find shelves and shelves of highly advertised, merchandised toys based on "Super Heroes" and their foes. The common feature of play with these toys is physical combat and the use of various weapons. Then go sit with a young kid and watch their TV shows. Now the "super heroes" are 'alive', using their weapons and fists to subdue the Evil Ones. The dialogue is a repetition of cliches. Day in and day out the story line is the same - Evil One wants to destroy and conquer. "Super Hero" overcomes the Evil One using violence. Watch young boys at play (Carry ID,but no cameras. You don't want to be labelled a paedophile). Rough and tumble wrestling has given way to the use of fists and feet to subdue the playmate. If the rough and tumble is prohibited, the action is taken up by the toys.

 

Where is this culture of violence originating? The finger of guilt is rigidly pointing at the United States of America. Does any other country produce so much entertainment which has violence at its core? The culture of the United States of America is one of militarism, held by them to be worthy, and criminality, to which they seem ambivalent. From the first flickering images of the one-reeler motion picture, violence and weapons have been glorified. From the gunslinger to the gangster, from the "Wild One" to "Cold Pursuit" violence has dominated movies. A 2013 report from the American Academy of Pediatrics found that violence in films has more than doubled since 1950, and gun violence in PG-13-rated films has more than tripled since 1985. Batman, Superman, Captain America, the DC and Marvel pantheon, Power Rangers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Is there no end to these violent characters flooding the minds of our sons and grandsons with the idea that the American Way is the only way, and that the only way to the American Way is through violence?

 

Can we stop the rot that this "entertainment" is causing?

 

The Australian Classification Board is responsible for the classification and censorship of film and other media. This is the body that assesses media for one of these classifications:

 

1. General viewing [ATTACH]49872._xfImport[/ATTACH] Contains only mild content
    
   
2. Parental Guidance [ATTACH]49873._xfImport[/ATTACH] Not recommended for children under 15 years of age
    
   
3. Mature Audience [ATTACH]49874._xfImport[/ATTACH] OK for children 15 years and older.
    
   
4. Matured Accompanied [ATTACH]49875._xfImport[/ATTACH] Contains material definitely unsuitable for children under 15 years of age, and may only be viewed by 15 + year-olds in company of an adult.
    
   
5. Restricted (R18 +) [ATTACH]49876._xfImport[/ATTACH] Only for adults.
    
   

 

 

In my opinion, the majority of this rubbish coming out of the United States of America should be classified MA 15+. At the same time, the associated merchandise should be removed from sale to children under 15 years of age. Radical ideas, I know, but at least it would give our boys at least 15 years to learn how to live peacefully with others. It might remove one bending force from our saplings.

 

[Yenn]

In the good old days we used to have heroes and superheroes, most of which came from the USA, but the big difference is that in those days it was very obvious that the heroes were protecting the women. Not only in the hero type of booke magazines etc, but the westerns were all the same.

 

Now the USA is only interested in violence and advancing the USA.

 

I am at the moment reading a book about an attack on a US sort of embassy in Libyia. What is immediately apparent is that the people involved on the US side considered they have a God given right to carry arms in Libyia, and all the locals are backward religious fanatics. That sort of thinking is going on here.

 

Domestic violence is supposedly all our problem. I cannot see how I can have any bearing on the matter, when I have no idea who is being violated.

 

Of course recently we see the use of domestic violence and sexual predation being used as a political tool. Just smear and innuendo.

 

 

[nomadpete]

No!

 

The elephant in the room, is psychosis.

 

I am speaking as a so called 'victim' of domestic violence. From women. It is a lot more common than people realise. and because of that the only statistics that are gathered, are about violence committed by men, against women.

 

For sure, learned behaviour plays an important part in behaviour. But it is not the whole story. Statistics show that every fourth death from domestic violence is a male. So it is not all caused by naughty boys who havent grown up. But all the publicity reinforces the story that all domestic violence is caused by males.

 

FALSE!

 

Nobody in their right mind will harm a loved one. Think about that statement.

 

It is all about mental health.

 

In my case, the individuals (long term partners), were both (much later) diagnosed with mental conditions such as bipolar disorders plus others. Both were lovely people most of the time. Both had plenty of people prepared to stand up and claim ' No, they could never do that".

 

Both tried to kill me in a psychotic rage, and had no recollection of it ever happening.

 

For some inexplicable reason I was drawn to this character type. Now I know better. There are 'normal' people in the world. Luckily I have found one (who, coincidentally had psychotic ex husband).

 

We know.

 

Now.

 

 

[spacesailor]

Lets me out !.

 

"a truth that tells us that by the early influences in a child's social development set the framework for the social behaviour of the adult."

 

Grew up to 8 ish in hospitals, dad left before I knew I had a dad.

 

Social behavior,! don't have that affliction either, something that had to be leaned.

 

But still not so Good, as a normal childhood with a Mum & Dad. (Jealouse of the kids in the orphanage,( they got everything))

 

spacesailor

 

 

[nomadpete]

As the old saying goes....

 

Its not so much what happened in your past that matters.

 

What matters is what you have done with your present life - thats what that matters.

 

 

[facthunter]

Many are stressed out beyond what they can cope with. Economic and relationship, self image problems. Add alcohol and other mind altering drugs and what have you? What we have now I would suggest. This "TRIBE" doesn't prepare it's young well for life. Profit comes at the top of the list. for the system. Toys, films, easy loan money the highest level of GAMBLING in the entire world Advertising for things you really don't need or want, Cosmetic surgery, slave to fashion attire, Luxury cars, only live in the "Right" suburb Private education (If you really Care about your Kids) so the ad goes. etc etc. A bloody great treadmill where you will never have enough money to pay the bills. and you are NEVER debt free.. Nev

 

 

[Yenn]

I find it funny that the younger generations, who have it all so good. Never went hungry or experienced a war or rationing and much poorer living conditions and could not even think of inflation in double digit figures, interest rates in the teens, have so much trouble living a happy life.

 

I worked a 50 hour week minimum, mostly a 6 day week, my wife stayed at home and raised the family. We couldn't afford all the luxuries that people nowadays seem to think are essential. We saved for our retirement when mortgage rates were in mid teens and are now living a good life, not wanting all the luxuries and not understanding why people need drugs, alcohol can't get on with their partners.

 

I can understand the self image problems when I look at the massive number of overweight people, from about 7 years old upwards. Maybe the biggest problem is that so many people are swayed by advertising. I look at an advert and think, can it really be that good and if so why was last years model so poor, but acclaimed last year as perfect.

 

 

[pmccarthy]

I enjoy going to markets, antique fairs and swap meets and buying nothing. I do it to confirm that I am happy with what I already have.

 

 

[Methusala]

Nomadpete quotes statistics showing that every 4th death from domestic violence is a male. I don't know where this comes from but I don't doubt it. I only wonder whether suicide deaths are included. It is known that suicide is the largest cause of death among males aged between 19 - 34 yrs. These are people who see no other way to escape their situation. Many of these young men are victims of what I refer to as "toxic femininity". Where the more commonly accepted "toxic masculinity" is marked (predominately) by physical aggression, the feminine form is dominated by psychological assault. Males style themselves by the image reflected in their peer group. Males gather at pubs, clubs and at work and seek the approval of their peers. But they also need to see themselves as successful parents and caring providers for their partners. There is normally a dichotomy between the 2 roles. This can be exploited by a certain type of female eventually isolating the male and making him extremely vulnerable to malicious manipulation. I have witnessed just such behavior many times. This type of behaviour is denied routinely by feminists who will state that they are unaware of the exisrtence of "toxic femininity". Recently, to her credit, SMH journalist Clementine Freud, in a review of the tv show "Married at 1st Sight" declared that she now acnowledged the existence of "toxic femininity". A small but significant breakthrough.

 

 

[nomadpete]

"Toxic femininity"

 

I'd never heard of the term before, but I do like it. However, although I've seen it, and been subjected to it, I don't think it's fair to limit the toxic behaviour to females. I've known men (heaven forbid!) Who have treated their spouse to toxic controlling manipulation.

 

As for the statistic I quoted, I cannot recall the source. All that was a long time ago, and I found that although there were plenty of statistical projects that only gathered data on male violence against females, they almost exclusively neglected gathering data on female violence against men. The one that I did dig up was a balanced American study. It also mentioned that in a domestiv violence event, females are more likely to hospitalise a male partner through use of a weapon (knife or gun). It was not scoped to include such things as suicide of either gender. I contend that there is probably a significant number of male suicides that result from "toxic femininity", as it often includes isolation of a male from his social support acquaintances, and even from family. Also, from personal experience, don't bother to call a domestic violence hotline if you are a male victim. I tried that (after spending a night in Casualty) and I got informed that it was all my own fault because all domestic violence is caused by the man. And it was a bloke that told me this!

 

 

[old man emu]

Toxic Femininity?

 

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned,

 

Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.

 

It seems to be common practice amongst young women who seduce young men with the sole intention of getting pregnant, to break the relationship within a year of the birth of the child, then refuse the father any access to the child. To enforce the refusal, they make trumped up accusations of harassment and stalking in order to get Courts to issue restraining orders. At the same time, they demand that the father pays a substantial portion of his income for the support of the child. More often than not, that money goes to support the female's return to an active social life while someone else cares for the mite.

 

Not only do these women prevent the fathers from having contact with the children, they also ban the paternal grandparents. The term "dole bludger" has a masculine connotation, but what these women do makes males who would be called bludgers upright citizens.

 

 

[nomadpete]

Not always "love to hatred turned"

 

In my case (21years, raised 4 children, all of whom refuse any contact from their mother), after every unpredictable toxic event, endless love was proclaimed. Tearful reunions, etc.

 

Guilt felt on my part even after her affairs. Eventually, when the youngest child had left school and got a job, I walked out in order to save my failing health (mental and physical).

 

This was not a case of a person repeating the learned behaviour of bad parents. It was due to a deep psychological problem. And there is a lot of it about.

 

 

[pmccarthy]

Only been attacked once with intent, it was my ex with a pair of scissors.

 

 

[nomadpete]

I was most surprised after my assault, work colleagues laughed and made jokes about it if there was anybody around. Nobody was supportive, the standard was to ridicule me.. "What? You let a woman hit you??" But it amazed me when one by one, the number of blokes who secretly confided later that they had been physically attacked by a spouse!

 

Nowadays, if you try to do anything physical to stop a violent attack by a woman, you will find yourself in big trouble. The police instantly slap a DVO/restraining order without question. You stand to lose contact with your kids and home. This has never happened to me but is what the police told me when I asked what are my options.

 

 

[old man emu]

The police instantly slap a DVO/restraining order without question.

That's what I hated most about going to "domestics". For a NSW policeman there were two parts to the paperwork. The first was to finalise the radio dispatch which sent you to the incident. The second was to record all the details of the incident, including parties involved, what happened, and what action was taken. Finalising the radio dispatch was easy. Just enter the reference number of the incident record. Creating the record was the killer.

 

If the record did not show that a person had been arrested (and restrictive bail conditions set) and an Interim DVO issued, then you could be assured that the station's Domestic Violence Officer would be on your back with a "Please explain". Despite being able to see that a lot of DV claims were just some female being bitchy, if the male wasn't arrested, charged and issued with a DVO, then the Domestic Violence Officer would be baying for a "Neglect of Duty" charge.

 

What also annoyed me was that to do what was required on the day took an average of four hours. That meant that other calls for police action, like break-ins; pub fights; vandalism went unanswered. Within a few days, the complainant was again madly in love with the "offender", inviting him back into the house, often against the conditions of the DVO. He only had to put his feet up on the coffee table and she'd be calling the police claiming a breach of the DVO. Then when the matter got to Court, she'd either fail to turn up to give evidence, or would plead for the matter to be dropped. Next month she'd be going through the same routine.

 

As for women attacking men, I remember one couple I dealt with. After hearing both sides, my partner ( a sensible woman) and I decided that we would apply for a DVO for each of them. When the matters got to Court, the applications crashed and burned. The Police Prosecutor was not impressed with our actions. Several months later I was doing the Custody Officer job in the station when the car crew brought the woman in. She had been attacking the other half while he was driving them along the freeway. My job that day was administrative - nothing to do with the investigation at all. I just had to make sure that the police followed the rules. The upshot of it all was that she went to some DV support mob and lodged a complaint that I had abused my authority by having her arrested. I didn't know anything about the initial police response until the arresting police brought her into the Charge Room.

 

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[facthunter]

. Avo's are too easy to get. You don't get to plead YOUR case and you are assumed guilty of BAD behavior on the assertion (untested) of an adversary . .Nev

 

 

[Litespeed]

Always a difficult topic, it is all too easy too assume the male party is at fault.

 

Mind you that is often the case, but plenty of exceptions.

 

My brother has suffered 10 years of toxicity from his ex who use the family court and police and their child as a tool of control and blatant harassment.

 

He does however have a uncanny ability to select women with personality disorders. I remember one mistaking me for him,( we are twins).

 

She tried very hard to run me down in her car twice. Back in the 80's a dvo against a women was not a thing.

 

 

[nomadpete]

"He does however have a uncanny ability to select women with personality disorders."

 

That's a common issue. I had to do a lot of self analysis before I came to the conclusion that I was drawn to an unsuitable character type. Believe it or not, it took a younger female (a mentor type) to give me that epiphany....

 

"So, are you still with psycho-chic?"

 

"Well, yeah"

 

"You've gotta admit they're always up for great sex. Anywhere. Anytime."

 

" Well, now that you mention it..."

 

She was dating an OCD guy at the time but it was all too much 'high maintenance' and unsurprisingly, it didn't last. It just isn't worth the trauma that inevitably follows.

 

 

[facthunter]

A lot go for Lame ducks thinking (erroneously) that they can HELP them..The reason for this might be more to help the helper than the helped. It takes a lot more courage to engage with someone who is sorted out and doesn't NEED your help. .Nev

 

 

[nomadpete]

Sometimes nobody outside somebody's head can tell that the individual 'needs help'. Until it's too late to escape.

 

An equal trap, is the individual who looks and sounds intelligent, alert, and fun to be around. The life of the party. Positive and motivated. Some people are really like that all the time. But not all. That's also who a bipolar (for instance) person is, when they are in the 'manic' phase of the manic depressive cycle.

 

For those who aren't aware of the name, the disorder that is currently labelled 'bipolar', used to be called 'manic depressive'. When they go on a downer, it's not good for anyone close to them. Or themselves.